Easter is my favorite holiday. Even more than my birthday, although that may be a close second. I don't know when my fascination with Easter began, it's not been my whole life favorite. I think it was when I first attended the Vigil of Easter Service at Trinity Lutheran church in Valparaiso, Indiana as a graduate student. I always knew holy week, and especially Good Friday were sad, solemn times during the church year. But that first Easter Vigil service I remember attending (I happened to be baptized on the Saturday before Easter), it hit me how much God loves ME! That no matter how sad I am, how hurt, how broke, how scared, how lonely, Christ is there walking and carrying me. This year, as I've been struggling hard as a single mom, I can't wait for Easter Sunday. Kareena has been too young for the "serious" services still, but I'm hoping next year we can do the vigil service. But Sunday - well, that's pretty special. But this year I feel I need it so much more.
Of course you all know of our struggles, and mini-milestones...but I feel like I've failed my daughter in so many ways that the thought of her hope and faith is all I have to cling to and about all I have to give to her. But I need to know that all this pain, all these tears are for a reason. Are they making me stronger? Am I hurting my daughter? It's the hardest thing as a parent to not know if I'm making unfixable mistakes, or essentially creating a broken person.
As Easter Sunday came and went it was a passionate, spirit filled weekend. And I am reminded that God loves Even Me - and has a wonderful plan for me. I think of the suffering Christ endured, the faith of his disciples, and over 2000 years of tradition and beliefs that have yet to be unproven. Yes God has a plan for Kareena and I - and I will strive to listen to his direction.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Breakdown in the Checkout at Aldi's
Well, every so often I must admit I have at total mental breakdown as a single mother and where my life is. Recently, just a few short weeks ago, this happened at Aldi's. My deepest apologies to all the people behind me and the clerk who was only trying to do her job. I really hate shopping at Aldi's. They rarely have what I need, I always forget to bring bags or boxes, and there is no cookie display for Kareena, so our trips there are less desirable than when we go to Publix. But on occassion my money is incredibly strapped and this was one of those days. I had literally $7 to buy 2 weeks worth of groceries and we had nothing at home - pasta but no sauce and some frozen veggies...but not enough to sustain me and my growing angel. So I went to Aldi's thinking I could get some ground beef, milk and maybe bread. Well, I used a quarter to get a cart, so I was down to $6.75. Milk is not cheap at Aldi's so in our first run I got milk, eggs, jello (it was only 30 cents and thought it would be nice for Kareena) and as I was walking to the checkout I realized we needed more than this. So I went to take my stuff off the conveyor belt and had to yell at Kareena for grabbing stuff she shouldn't and the lady started to ring us up. I explained I had changed my mind at the last minute and didn't want this stuff. She seemed personally insulted and I tried to nicely say that I only had so much money and wanted to re-evaluate what we got. She rolled her eyes and handed me the stuff to take back and kept the jello so Kareena didn't have a total break down. I put Kareena in the basket part of the cart and returned the eggs and bread. This time I opted for a large package of ground beef and just the milk. We wheeled back to the checkout and instantly a line of 5 people formed behind me. She rang up our stuff and put it in the cart - with Kareena and no bags. Then she told me my total $7.68. I thought I had at least $2 in my checking account, but apparently I did not. So I gave her the $6 and looked at the cart. Kareena in the meantime had opened the box of the jello and poked a whole in the beef. I couldn't return anything that would get me to $6. I started to cry, dropped my purse as I was digging for pennies and change. I apologized to all the people who seemed impatient and stared at me. Finally, someone said "how much do you need honey?" And one person gave the clerk $1 and someone else gave the rest. All I could say was "Thank you and God Bless you all" but I felt so humilated. And of course Kareena was on her A game with misbehaving so I had no patience. I continued to cry to the car, all the way home and once we got home. My poor little girl had no clue why mommy was upset or that money was such a hard thing for us.
Two hours later I got a text from a dear friend who heard me say I was shopping at Aldi's because of the small amount of money I had. She offered to loan me some money, I said no, she argued with me for 45 minutes and I realized God was answering a prayer for me. I accepted asking for just $30. She forced me to take more and we were able to shop at Walmart (not quite Publix but better than Aldi's) and get what we needed. I also had another friend two days later show up with boxes of food from Costco. Again, showing me God's grace and love.
As a single mom my struggles seem more magnified than those who are married with children or those who have no children...and yet I find support from these individuals when I need it most. I am an only child and my church and friends have become my extended family, especially since my divorce. Kareena and I are beyond blessed to have the people we have in our lives. And for now, I enjoy my single motherhood...at least until the next breakdown.
Two hours later I got a text from a dear friend who heard me say I was shopping at Aldi's because of the small amount of money I had. She offered to loan me some money, I said no, she argued with me for 45 minutes and I realized God was answering a prayer for me. I accepted asking for just $30. She forced me to take more and we were able to shop at Walmart (not quite Publix but better than Aldi's) and get what we needed. I also had another friend two days later show up with boxes of food from Costco. Again, showing me God's grace and love.
As a single mom my struggles seem more magnified than those who are married with children or those who have no children...and yet I find support from these individuals when I need it most. I am an only child and my church and friends have become my extended family, especially since my divorce. Kareena and I are beyond blessed to have the people we have in our lives. And for now, I enjoy my single motherhood...at least until the next breakdown.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Car Troubles...
Someone posted on Facebook the other day "you can't see the silver lining without going through the clouds" or something along those lines. Well, in the last few years I feel like I'm living in those clouds, not like "cloud 9" but dark, stormy, yucky, sleeting, snowy, hail, clouds. Last Thursday...the day before my 35th birthday...my car died on the way to work. I was fortunate to get to a parking lot, but it was pooring rain and there I was hoping it was just the rain that triggered my car to completely die. I couldn't believe there was something else wrong with my car. The car I got because my old car had so many problems I was spending too much on mechanics so decided to get something newer.
It was just another obstacle in my life. Another major ticket item I didn't have money for in my budget. My dad was able to borrow a friend's car and I drove his this week, and by Monday the mechanic determined it was a broken alternator, and it couldn't be rebuilt, and I would need a new battery (thanks to the broken alternator draining my battery). And the hefty bottome line price for this: $572. Once again, my dad helped but I need to find a way to pay him back. He's on a fixed, retirement income, so that much money is as much a blow to him as it is to me.
So just another thing that becomes a huge headache to the struggling, single mom. You see to many people $500 isn't a big chunk of change, even if not budgeted. To me that is almost a month's rent, my car payment plus two weeks of daycare, five months of cell phone bills or internet/cable bills...etc. As I've mentioned in previous blogs, my budget is tight...by no means is it balanced. The difference between me and the government though is that I can't "create" money from nothing. If I don't have it, I don't have it. That's it.
Now here's where I start to complain and pout a bit more....the one thing that would have made this a little less of a sting: My child support is suppose to be $600 a month. Currently I'm receiving $0.00. Nothing. In the last year I've received $222.00. I've gone to court a few times, but then my attorney drops the ball and we miss follow ups or the opportunity to throw his deadbeat butt in jail. Now, I know some critics will say "well what will that do?" (of course I'm pretty sure I don't have many followers so therefore no critics...lol). Well, that will show him I'm not one of these woman who thinks it's OK for a man to create a child and not support that child. Would it be different if he actually spent time with her? Possibly, but to me it's more than "babysitting" it's about truly being a parent. We were married for 13 months, and together for 8 months when I got pregnant. This child isn't the product of some random hook up and I'm forcing him to be a part of her life. No, he willingly choose to create a child with me and be a part of her life. But for some reason my ex has convinced himself that seeing Kareena every other Saturday for 5-6 hours is enough to be considered a good dad. He has no sense of guilt for not supporting her financially - he has gone so far to call me greedy for expecting it.
Now the sadder part - I've met some great guys who have been either single, custodial parents, or the non-custodial parent, and they are so invested in their kids lives, and so committed to supporting them. It breaks my heart that I had to fall for the one guy who has no sense of responsibility and accountability. So when things like my car breaking down, or rent raises, or daycare increases happen I get angry...at him. He who skates by, avoids jail, financial responsibility, having a job, yet finds time, money and supportive friends to go to bars, play darts, drink, gamble, etc. I guess that's why I've been so picky in dating. I joke that I will marry for money the second time around, but in some ways that is true. I look more at success, stability, and responsibility then I do at other characteristics with guys.
For now, I have my car, and will find a way to cover the costs, just as I always do. Usually "borrowing from Peter to pay Paul" as the saying goes. And my cycle will continue and my clouds will surround me...but someday, I hope, I pray that lining will be visible and my sun will shine.
It was just another obstacle in my life. Another major ticket item I didn't have money for in my budget. My dad was able to borrow a friend's car and I drove his this week, and by Monday the mechanic determined it was a broken alternator, and it couldn't be rebuilt, and I would need a new battery (thanks to the broken alternator draining my battery). And the hefty bottome line price for this: $572. Once again, my dad helped but I need to find a way to pay him back. He's on a fixed, retirement income, so that much money is as much a blow to him as it is to me.
So just another thing that becomes a huge headache to the struggling, single mom. You see to many people $500 isn't a big chunk of change, even if not budgeted. To me that is almost a month's rent, my car payment plus two weeks of daycare, five months of cell phone bills or internet/cable bills...etc. As I've mentioned in previous blogs, my budget is tight...by no means is it balanced. The difference between me and the government though is that I can't "create" money from nothing. If I don't have it, I don't have it. That's it.
Now here's where I start to complain and pout a bit more....the one thing that would have made this a little less of a sting: My child support is suppose to be $600 a month. Currently I'm receiving $0.00. Nothing. In the last year I've received $222.00. I've gone to court a few times, but then my attorney drops the ball and we miss follow ups or the opportunity to throw his deadbeat butt in jail. Now, I know some critics will say "well what will that do?" (of course I'm pretty sure I don't have many followers so therefore no critics...lol). Well, that will show him I'm not one of these woman who thinks it's OK for a man to create a child and not support that child. Would it be different if he actually spent time with her? Possibly, but to me it's more than "babysitting" it's about truly being a parent. We were married for 13 months, and together for 8 months when I got pregnant. This child isn't the product of some random hook up and I'm forcing him to be a part of her life. No, he willingly choose to create a child with me and be a part of her life. But for some reason my ex has convinced himself that seeing Kareena every other Saturday for 5-6 hours is enough to be considered a good dad. He has no sense of guilt for not supporting her financially - he has gone so far to call me greedy for expecting it.
Now the sadder part - I've met some great guys who have been either single, custodial parents, or the non-custodial parent, and they are so invested in their kids lives, and so committed to supporting them. It breaks my heart that I had to fall for the one guy who has no sense of responsibility and accountability. So when things like my car breaking down, or rent raises, or daycare increases happen I get angry...at him. He who skates by, avoids jail, financial responsibility, having a job, yet finds time, money and supportive friends to go to bars, play darts, drink, gamble, etc. I guess that's why I've been so picky in dating. I joke that I will marry for money the second time around, but in some ways that is true. I look more at success, stability, and responsibility then I do at other characteristics with guys.
For now, I have my car, and will find a way to cover the costs, just as I always do. Usually "borrowing from Peter to pay Paul" as the saying goes. And my cycle will continue and my clouds will surround me...but someday, I hope, I pray that lining will be visible and my sun will shine.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Single Parent = Single in General
Dating as a single parent is never easy. I think it's especially difficult for single moms with daughters and here's why: there are a lot of weirdos out there that tend to pray on us "vulnerable" types. Fortunately I wouldn't consider myself as a vulnerable person. But there are a few strikes against me. I'm about to turn 35 - not too old, but definitely fighting a ticking clock for the husband and 3 additional children I'd like to have. And there is my little angel, who wants a "new daddy" or sometimes she says "step daddy" or "I could have two daddies." Needless to say, Kareena wants a mommy and daddy in her home. She wants a normal childhood that she sees her friends have. So anytime I consider dating someone, her first question has now become "does he like kids?" I've learned the hard way to not introduce my daughter to anyone, but her and I tend to look at the profiles on match.com together. However, on occassion, she has spotted a man at the grocery store, park and even our pizza delivery guy once, and will randomly ask if he would marry her mommy and be her new daddy. So I try to protect both her and the potential date from any heart ache and weirdness.
Another hinderance is my time. Kareena's father only sees her every other Saturday for about 6-8 hours. Basically he babysits. My father has been kind enough to keep her one night a week, but usually that one night ends up being for one of the many church committee or council meetings I have. So I tend to do lunch dates if possible to avoid getting a sitter. But I have had to wait a couple months sometimes before I get to meet someone due to schedules and timing. And if I meet someone who also has children, timing is even more difficult. In fact, I would say the reason I stopped talking to last couple guys I've dated were kid related: one didn't have kids nor the patience or time to be in a relationship with someone with a child and the other had 4 children and lived an hour away from me. In case you weren't sure - the Brady Bunch truly is only a movie. Our kids were great together but 5 kids from 3-13 at one time while you are trying to get to know each other, that becomes chaotic. Too chaotic.
So how does a single mom get back into the dating scene? I've tried the friend setting up thing as well, but most of my friends are married with other married friends or single with "chronically single" friends...so I think when you get to your 30s finding potential mates become more difficult. Of course, being a true Pisces, I dream of bumping into my prince charming at Publix, or picking up the phone to a wrong number and chatting til sunrise or playing with my daughter at the park and my single father twin is there and our kids are playing, we start talking....well you get the idea. Sadly their are no fairy tales about single moms for me to use as guide.
So for now I will keep checking out profiles, looking all around in public, and hope that someday Kareena propositions the right guy to "marry my mommy." Then not only will my fairy tale come true, but my little princess will also have her happy ever after!
Another hinderance is my time. Kareena's father only sees her every other Saturday for about 6-8 hours. Basically he babysits. My father has been kind enough to keep her one night a week, but usually that one night ends up being for one of the many church committee or council meetings I have. So I tend to do lunch dates if possible to avoid getting a sitter. But I have had to wait a couple months sometimes before I get to meet someone due to schedules and timing. And if I meet someone who also has children, timing is even more difficult. In fact, I would say the reason I stopped talking to last couple guys I've dated were kid related: one didn't have kids nor the patience or time to be in a relationship with someone with a child and the other had 4 children and lived an hour away from me. In case you weren't sure - the Brady Bunch truly is only a movie. Our kids were great together but 5 kids from 3-13 at one time while you are trying to get to know each other, that becomes chaotic. Too chaotic.
So how does a single mom get back into the dating scene? I've tried the friend setting up thing as well, but most of my friends are married with other married friends or single with "chronically single" friends...so I think when you get to your 30s finding potential mates become more difficult. Of course, being a true Pisces, I dream of bumping into my prince charming at Publix, or picking up the phone to a wrong number and chatting til sunrise or playing with my daughter at the park and my single father twin is there and our kids are playing, we start talking....well you get the idea. Sadly their are no fairy tales about single moms for me to use as guide.
So for now I will keep checking out profiles, looking all around in public, and hope that someday Kareena propositions the right guy to "marry my mommy." Then not only will my fairy tale come true, but my little princess will also have her happy ever after!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Resentment
Life isn't suppose to be about regrets or resent. But sometimes I feel like I have made so many mistakes and taken so many wrong turns I wish I could do it again. I must admit had I started this blog topic a week ago, it would have said some very heavy, sad things. But today I have a new perspective, thanks to a tragedy of a family I don't know. This may be one of those weird writings where I bounce back and forth a lot, but as I have said before I promise to be raw and write straight from my heart so there is no editing, no second guessing...just me talking, or writing as the case may be.
A few months ago I attended a retreat called Vio de Christo: Notes of Grace. I was shown unconditional love and told how grace was there for me no matter what. Well, as we all should know by now, I'm anything but saintly, and a few dark secrets crept from the corners of my mind. Thoughts, feelings, things I would never share out loud, so for me to accept this Grace was a challenge. Finally I spoke to one of the Pastors there and I said the words I had felt for years: "I resent my daughter." Ouch! Of course I went on to explain, but even that Pastor had a look that caused me heartache. Please note I was not emotionless during this conversation - on the contrary I had spent days crying and crying as I struggled with my feelings. Saying it out loud stung even more than the passing thoughts. But I continued. In an earlier post I said how if I had a chance to do it all again, knowing where I would be today, I would change a lot. That although Kareena is unique and a great kid, completely adorable, I really HATE the life I've created. Add to that the thoughts I have that my financial problems, which lead to a lesser than desirable home and car, lack of freedom, and virtually no privacy, are all because of me having a kid and being a single mom. Oh, in reality I know that I could have these struggles in any situation, but it's so easy to say if that one little roadblock was gone it would be so easy. I could find a job anywhere that pays more, but being a parent means staying close to her father (per Tennessee state Code). Without being a mom, I could spontaneously go to dinner or drinks with friends, go out on a date, go away for a weekend...oh I could really "live."
So after confessing that I feel like the worse parent in the world, I was told that I was not, and that God's love and grace was still there for me. The pastor suggested I speak to my own Pastor and I did. Again, we discussed how challenging Kareena is and perhaps if she wasn't so "energetic" and "disobedient" I would be more relaxed as a single parent. I explained my fear of failure, of not doing it like my parents did. Comparing myself to my mother is one of my greatest flaws. She was amazing - she had a career, balanced that with being an amazing mother, and managed to keep her marriage on track for 25 years. Sure we had ups and downs, but there was so much love, attention, and "stuff" I was given as a child that I dreamed I would give my own. Of course the conversation like so many I have had focused on being the best ME and not my mother to Kareena. I felt good but not great.
Well, that brings me to my new outlook. I am more greatful for a challenging kid, one who steals food and candy, hides my makeup in her bedroom, redecorates my bathroom with lipstick and my walls with crayon, I love being able to chase her around malls, restaurants and church. A couple weeks ago a friend posted on facebook about a family that lost their chance at these moments. A van carrying a younger couple (he 40 her 35) and the wife's parents was rearended during a snowy drive in Michigan. The wife, Sara, was 9 months pregnant, due in just a few weeks. Sadly she died at the scene, but miraculously, the baby was born and a heartbeat was recovered. Little Miranda was on life support for 3 days. I joined a facebook group to pray for a miracle, but alas, her mother and God won the custody battle and the little angel flew to heaven. What amazed me more was the husband/father, Chad, and his strength and faith. Now if that wasn't enough to make me feel horrible for not liking my kid sometimes, I became engrossed in the story. I read the blog the couple started from when they discovered she was pregnant to his last blog on Valentine's day. I began to know this couple and my guilt festered. They tried for 16 months to have a child...my child was conceived from a careless, and probably drunken, evening with my live in boyfriend. They were together for 15 years. I was with my boyfriend for 9 months. They were thrilled to be having a child, documenting every moment in his blog, a proud father, and excited mother. I was scared to death and hesitant at my choices. Abortion was never an option for me, but I must say knowing the relationship I had with Kareena's dad made it difficult to be excited about our child.
Reading Chad's blog, I cried. I realized all his dreams of playing with his child, rocking her to sleep, midnight feedings, first steps and words, were dead. And here I was complaining about the very things he would give his arm for. I am still struggling with how to balance everything and make things "normal" for Kareena in our chaotic life, but I no longer resent her - or at least I try not to. The bills are tough to get paid, and dating is like trying to get a reservation at an upscale restaurant in LA or New York, but things could be worse for us. She makes me smile, laugh, cry, and definitely is keeping things interesting, but now, I wouldn't trade it for the world. She is my world, my life, and even though this story didn't magically make things easier for us, it put things in perspective for me.
A few months ago I attended a retreat called Vio de Christo: Notes of Grace. I was shown unconditional love and told how grace was there for me no matter what. Well, as we all should know by now, I'm anything but saintly, and a few dark secrets crept from the corners of my mind. Thoughts, feelings, things I would never share out loud, so for me to accept this Grace was a challenge. Finally I spoke to one of the Pastors there and I said the words I had felt for years: "I resent my daughter." Ouch! Of course I went on to explain, but even that Pastor had a look that caused me heartache. Please note I was not emotionless during this conversation - on the contrary I had spent days crying and crying as I struggled with my feelings. Saying it out loud stung even more than the passing thoughts. But I continued. In an earlier post I said how if I had a chance to do it all again, knowing where I would be today, I would change a lot. That although Kareena is unique and a great kid, completely adorable, I really HATE the life I've created. Add to that the thoughts I have that my financial problems, which lead to a lesser than desirable home and car, lack of freedom, and virtually no privacy, are all because of me having a kid and being a single mom. Oh, in reality I know that I could have these struggles in any situation, but it's so easy to say if that one little roadblock was gone it would be so easy. I could find a job anywhere that pays more, but being a parent means staying close to her father (per Tennessee state Code). Without being a mom, I could spontaneously go to dinner or drinks with friends, go out on a date, go away for a weekend...oh I could really "live."
So after confessing that I feel like the worse parent in the world, I was told that I was not, and that God's love and grace was still there for me. The pastor suggested I speak to my own Pastor and I did. Again, we discussed how challenging Kareena is and perhaps if she wasn't so "energetic" and "disobedient" I would be more relaxed as a single parent. I explained my fear of failure, of not doing it like my parents did. Comparing myself to my mother is one of my greatest flaws. She was amazing - she had a career, balanced that with being an amazing mother, and managed to keep her marriage on track for 25 years. Sure we had ups and downs, but there was so much love, attention, and "stuff" I was given as a child that I dreamed I would give my own. Of course the conversation like so many I have had focused on being the best ME and not my mother to Kareena. I felt good but not great.
Well, that brings me to my new outlook. I am more greatful for a challenging kid, one who steals food and candy, hides my makeup in her bedroom, redecorates my bathroom with lipstick and my walls with crayon, I love being able to chase her around malls, restaurants and church. A couple weeks ago a friend posted on facebook about a family that lost their chance at these moments. A van carrying a younger couple (he 40 her 35) and the wife's parents was rearended during a snowy drive in Michigan. The wife, Sara, was 9 months pregnant, due in just a few weeks. Sadly she died at the scene, but miraculously, the baby was born and a heartbeat was recovered. Little Miranda was on life support for 3 days. I joined a facebook group to pray for a miracle, but alas, her mother and God won the custody battle and the little angel flew to heaven. What amazed me more was the husband/father, Chad, and his strength and faith. Now if that wasn't enough to make me feel horrible for not liking my kid sometimes, I became engrossed in the story. I read the blog the couple started from when they discovered she was pregnant to his last blog on Valentine's day. I began to know this couple and my guilt festered. They tried for 16 months to have a child...my child was conceived from a careless, and probably drunken, evening with my live in boyfriend. They were together for 15 years. I was with my boyfriend for 9 months. They were thrilled to be having a child, documenting every moment in his blog, a proud father, and excited mother. I was scared to death and hesitant at my choices. Abortion was never an option for me, but I must say knowing the relationship I had with Kareena's dad made it difficult to be excited about our child.
Reading Chad's blog, I cried. I realized all his dreams of playing with his child, rocking her to sleep, midnight feedings, first steps and words, were dead. And here I was complaining about the very things he would give his arm for. I am still struggling with how to balance everything and make things "normal" for Kareena in our chaotic life, but I no longer resent her - or at least I try not to. The bills are tough to get paid, and dating is like trying to get a reservation at an upscale restaurant in LA or New York, but things could be worse for us. She makes me smile, laugh, cry, and definitely is keeping things interesting, but now, I wouldn't trade it for the world. She is my world, my life, and even though this story didn't magically make things easier for us, it put things in perspective for me.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
You ARE NOT A Single Parent
Ok, more complaining this time...
I have many friends who are either stay at home moms or working moms, but the one thing they have in common is that they are MARRIED. So it really irritates me when I hear or read about anyone comparing themselves to a single mom. As much as I appreciate the empathy and the praise I get, please, please don't ever say "I now know how single moms feel." Because truth be told, you don't anymore than me staying home one day with my kid would let me say "I now know how stay at home moms feel."
Yes taking care of children on your own for more than an 8 hour day is tough, but that is not the only thing that makes a single parent unique. So before you compare yourself to a single mom please consider the following questions when your spouse is away do you:
1. Worry about how the bills will get paid?
2. Have to decide if you will go to work and leave a sick kid at daycare or stay home and not get paid?
3. Plan babysitters three months in advance for church meetings and a possible date or night out with the girls?
4. Decide if you will buy groceries, get gas or pay the electric bill?
5. Resent your situation to the point of hoping it was all a nightmare and you will wake up single and childless until you meet a successful man, get married, save money and then CHOOSE to have a kid?
6. Cry yourself to sleep overwhelmed at your situation?
7. Curse the father of your children for only seeing them 16 hours a month and not supporting them financially, emotionally or spiritually?
8. Find yourself hoping for just one good guy to be Mr. Right so you aren't raising a child alone anymore?
These are just a taste of the things that run through the mind of a single mom, so as much as I feel ya' on the trying to juggle a kid or two for a few days while your husband (or wife) is on a business trip bringing money home to the household please forgive me for not feeling sorry for you, and please understand my desire for you to not compare yourself to me or any other single parent. Just remember when you are married, and especially if you are a stay at home, as stressful as crying, whining and possibly sick kids are, you're life mate is coming home, he or she is making money so you can buy groceries, drive your car and enjoy the computer you type your status on. Single parents don't have that comfort and luxury.
Thanks.
I have many friends who are either stay at home moms or working moms, but the one thing they have in common is that they are MARRIED. So it really irritates me when I hear or read about anyone comparing themselves to a single mom. As much as I appreciate the empathy and the praise I get, please, please don't ever say "I now know how single moms feel." Because truth be told, you don't anymore than me staying home one day with my kid would let me say "I now know how stay at home moms feel."
Yes taking care of children on your own for more than an 8 hour day is tough, but that is not the only thing that makes a single parent unique. So before you compare yourself to a single mom please consider the following questions when your spouse is away do you:
1. Worry about how the bills will get paid?
2. Have to decide if you will go to work and leave a sick kid at daycare or stay home and not get paid?
3. Plan babysitters three months in advance for church meetings and a possible date or night out with the girls?
4. Decide if you will buy groceries, get gas or pay the electric bill?
5. Resent your situation to the point of hoping it was all a nightmare and you will wake up single and childless until you meet a successful man, get married, save money and then CHOOSE to have a kid?
6. Cry yourself to sleep overwhelmed at your situation?
7. Curse the father of your children for only seeing them 16 hours a month and not supporting them financially, emotionally or spiritually?
8. Find yourself hoping for just one good guy to be Mr. Right so you aren't raising a child alone anymore?
These are just a taste of the things that run through the mind of a single mom, so as much as I feel ya' on the trying to juggle a kid or two for a few days while your husband (or wife) is on a business trip bringing money home to the household please forgive me for not feeling sorry for you, and please understand my desire for you to not compare yourself to me or any other single parent. Just remember when you are married, and especially if you are a stay at home, as stressful as crying, whining and possibly sick kids are, you're life mate is coming home, he or she is making money so you can buy groceries, drive your car and enjoy the computer you type your status on. Single parents don't have that comfort and luxury.
Thanks.
Waking up with an Angel
One Saturday morning I woke up next to the most adorable face in the world. Sometimes in all my worrying and complaining, I forget how God has given me a special gift with Kareena. Our situation may not be ideal, and my hopes and dreams of how she would be raised may not be exact, but oh my, am I blessed. There is usually a point almost everyday where I actually forget I'm a mother. It sounds strange I know, but bare with me for a minute. It is usually at night, after my daughter is asleep, and I've completed whatever chore I needed before I sit down to watch some TV (all on my trusty DVR) and enjoy some quiet, adult, me time. And for a split second in that time, I forget that upstairs, or down the hall, there is this special child. Maybe forget is the wrong word, I don't forget, I remember. I remember all the years I dreamed what it would be like when "I grew up."
I grew up in a "traditional" family. I was the only child of my parents, and they made decent money. I guess we were always in the upper-middle class category. My mother, who is my role model in all aspects of my life, returned to work a few weeks after I was born. Although I was one of those kids always in daycare, I truly knew my parents loved me. I remember my mom taking off work the first day of school every year and on my birthday. She homemade all of my Halloween costumes except for two: I was gizmo one year and a Cabbage Patch kid and those required store bought masks. I could see her feelings were hurt that she wasn't able to make a costume for me. My parents also went all out for my birthdays. Since I was a February baby and I grew up in Wisconsin, we couldn't so more than home parties. But they decorated the house, hired clowns and magicians, planned games and made our basement the best party spot every year. I tend to talk about my mother more than my dad because I want to be like her. Not that I dont' want to be like my dad, but there is a special bond between mother and daughter, and I pray to have that same connection with Kareena.
My dad was a great father. He worked hard, and was always present. His schedule was more flexible so he was the one who took me doctor appointments, stayed home when I was sick and waited with the mothers when I was in dance class. He coached me with t-ball, bowling and golf. And he never missed one of my volleyball games in high school. I was very blessed to have two parents who worked hard for me and showed me their love daily.
I babysat for a lot of kids in middle and high school. And I always loved being around kids. I couldn't wait to grow up and get married and have my own family. When I would babysit I would imagine my life 10, 15 years down the road and the house I would have and being the mother leaving for a date night with the hubby, and giving instructions to our babysitter well our kids played with dolls and trucks. It was a perfect fantasy and I was certain it would happen. You see, I always got what I wanted. Not spoiled necessarily, but things just seemed to work for me. I worked hard to get them, but I was a lucky girl and never thought "no" would be part of my future. I played volleyball when I was only 5 feet tall and was a great player at my school. I got accepted to various acedemic programs in the city. I won the coveted (ok so maybe no one cared, but I was proud) Headmaster's Award that went to an outstanding junior in my school. Granted we only had 25 kids in my private school class, but I won and cherish that gold bowl until this day. I was accepted to all three colleges I applied to and awarded various scholarships. It seemed the only thing I wasn't lucky in was love, as I hadn't really been in long term relationships with boys before I was married, but that's another blog.
So you see, until June of 1997 things were going my way. But when the doctor told us "cancer" was the diagnosis for my mother's headaches, my world collapsed. Bad things didn't happen to my family. This blog topic is on my dreams of motherhood, so I'll save the mother's illness for a future entry. But after her death November 17, 1997 my desire for love and family became more intense, but I just never found the one.
In July 2004, I met Joe. I was bartending in Hendersonville at a restaurant and he would frequent on Friday nights to see the musician, Sammy D. He and I flirted, but I was actually at a rare point where a boyfriend didn't seem like fun. I was 28 and enjoying being single and trying to find a job with one of my two degrees, so relationships seemed like a chore. In all honesty the only reason I agreed to give him my phone number was because a coworker and psuedo-friend was interested in him and well, I loved competition. Our first meeting was at a Starbucks and then we sat at the local park and talked. He was four years younger than me and the age difference showed in maturity level, but he was cute and kind of charming so I agreed to a dinner date.
I didn't find out until a few months later, but Joe had gotten a title loan on his truck to pay for our $100.00 dinner at the little Italian restaurant we went to. I started to like him more. He made me laugh, he was easy going. He had a daugther already and we would spend time with her on his weekends. After nine months I was feeling cramped living with my dad and Joe and Idecided to get a place together. Afterall, we were in love now. The one thing we had in common was spending money. Since I was making cash daily we would spend it equally fast since we had no reason to save. We made more than enough to cover rent and our bills. Then the more we spent time together the more I realized this wasn't my ideal. That man I dreamed about all those years ago. In reality, my fun and carefree Joe was annoying and lazy. I decided to start paralegal school and my first class was on May 5, 2005. I hadn't been feeling well, but couldn't miss my first day of school. Earlier that week I decided I was going to move out and back in with my dad because I just didn't feel like I wanted to be with Joe for the long haul. No one knew my plans or suspected anything, but I knew.
The next day I took a pregnancy test before classes - it was positive. I went the whole day thinking it was wrong and took another one that afternoon. Still positive. Joe and I went to the pregnancy center - positive. Now I really had to consider my future. I was scared and happy all at the same time. I was already 29 and was 4 years past my married by 25, first child by 27 goals, so a child would be a blessing. But did I want a kid with this guy? Joe and I talked a lot that weekend and realized that since I didn't have insurance we needed to be married so his work would cover me. I wouldn't be able to get to the doctor until the middle of June.
After some research and a review of our non-existent wedding budget, we decided a court house marriage was the best option and we would renew our vows after the baby was born for our family and friends. Joe and I went to K-Mart to get our rings the night before our "wedding." I decided on a cubic zirconia solitaire because it was HUGE compared to what we could afford in the diamond section. Our wedding bands were just plain gold rings. So on Friday, June 10, 2005 Joe, myself and my dad all took separate cars to the courthouse. I had an exam at paralegal school and then had a workshop for Toastmasters (a public speaking group I belonged too with my dad) at Falls Creek Falls for the weekend. Our ceremony last all of 10 minutes, if that, and I hugged and kissed my husband goodbye, and headed to school. I changed in my car in the parking lot of the school. I had worn a long floral dress with white sandals, and it wasn't really comfy for sitting in class for four hours and then the two hour drive to the conference.
It's funny because I didn't see my husband again until late Saturday evening. Things didn't seem different to me, since we were living together already. Now I just had jewelry on my hand. Our first doctor appointment was exciting and confirmed yet again I was pregnant and almost 8 weeks along. The baby seemed healthy and things were ok. My pregnancy was difficult, I had a lot of back pain, gained a lot of weight and went into early labor at 20 weeks. At that point I was put on bedrest and only allowed to go to classes. I was only working weekends at the restaurant until that point because of school and now I wasn't bringing home any money. We were fortunate that our church is full of generous members and we received so many wonderful gifts and financial assistance. Like most newlywed and new parents, Joe and I fought a lot. I later discovered it was because of his gambling addiction.
I admit that I didn't obey the "bed rest only" orders of my doctor as much as I should have, except for on Thursday, December 8, 2005. I truly was in bed most of the day leaving only to go to the bathroom and get some lunch. Ironically, at 6:00 am the next morning, my water broke. It was the exact date that my OB/GYN said I needed to get to for her to feel safe about my delivery. Procrastinator of the century I am, I didn't have a bag packed so I just grabbed some clothes. I had gained 48 pounds during my pregnancy and even though my daugther was coming early I was certain I would fit in the size 4 clothes I had worn before I was pregnant. We had to stop for gas on the way to the hospital and I told Joe to get me a donut. I knew I was going to get the epidural and you were suppose to have an empty stomach but I hadn't eaten in 10 hours and I was hungry. I didn't have any contractions so the only pain was the usual back pain I felt for the last 5 months of the pregnancy. I had gotten so use to it I wasn't sure what it felt like to not be in pain.
I call the day she was born the longest and best day of my life. Once they confirmed I was in labor (the lack of contractions caused them to run some tests, as if the fluid dripping from my body was evidence enough), I got my epidural right away. They had also given me a drug to induce contractions. Ironically the two worked against each other because the epidural slowed the process the other drug was trying to speed up. So after hours and hours of sitting around, eating only ice chips and not being able to sleep, my little angel entered the world on 11:33 PM.
Fast forward a six months, the fighting had gotten worse, Joe was staying out all night and was apparently gambling his entire paycheck. Long story short, we had to move in with my dad and by July of 2006 I decided to file for divorce. Everything was finalized by January 2007.
I felt like a failure. All my dreams of my grown up life were gone. I never had my dream wedding, my husband was disconnected and now I failed at my marriage. My child was sharing a room with me in my dad's small duplex home.
And now as I look at my five year old, I still wonder when my dreams will come true. Her life is nothing like mine. I try to mimic my mother's behaviors, but I find myself so frustrated at my life. I love my daughter, I truly do and wouldn't give her up for anything, but I HATE the life I brought her into. A strong word I know, but what little girl grows up dreaming her life will be like this: I will get pregnant when I don't have a real career, marry a guy I don't really love at a courthouse so I have insurance to go to the doctor, I will then divorce this deadbeat and struggle making more than poverty level so I can barely pay my bills and be in debt. I will raise her in apartments and we'll move every few years (FYI, our most recent move had become Kareena's 5th house in her 5 years of life).
No my life isn't perfect and no where near where I wanted it to be. I have tough days, I do. And as much as I do love my daughter, I can say if I had it to do over again I would change a lot, knowing what I do now. I hope that doesn't make me seem like a bad mother. But if I could change it, and give my daughter what I had, what she so desires, then yes I would make sure I was in love, I would be more careful with my partner, and after a healthy, committed marriage is solidified I would bring my children into the world. For now I struggle to figure out how to replicate my upbringing while I perform all the roles I can for my daughter, my job, my church and my friends.
I grew up in a "traditional" family. I was the only child of my parents, and they made decent money. I guess we were always in the upper-middle class category. My mother, who is my role model in all aspects of my life, returned to work a few weeks after I was born. Although I was one of those kids always in daycare, I truly knew my parents loved me. I remember my mom taking off work the first day of school every year and on my birthday. She homemade all of my Halloween costumes except for two: I was gizmo one year and a Cabbage Patch kid and those required store bought masks. I could see her feelings were hurt that she wasn't able to make a costume for me. My parents also went all out for my birthdays. Since I was a February baby and I grew up in Wisconsin, we couldn't so more than home parties. But they decorated the house, hired clowns and magicians, planned games and made our basement the best party spot every year. I tend to talk about my mother more than my dad because I want to be like her. Not that I dont' want to be like my dad, but there is a special bond between mother and daughter, and I pray to have that same connection with Kareena.
My dad was a great father. He worked hard, and was always present. His schedule was more flexible so he was the one who took me doctor appointments, stayed home when I was sick and waited with the mothers when I was in dance class. He coached me with t-ball, bowling and golf. And he never missed one of my volleyball games in high school. I was very blessed to have two parents who worked hard for me and showed me their love daily.
I babysat for a lot of kids in middle and high school. And I always loved being around kids. I couldn't wait to grow up and get married and have my own family. When I would babysit I would imagine my life 10, 15 years down the road and the house I would have and being the mother leaving for a date night with the hubby, and giving instructions to our babysitter well our kids played with dolls and trucks. It was a perfect fantasy and I was certain it would happen. You see, I always got what I wanted. Not spoiled necessarily, but things just seemed to work for me. I worked hard to get them, but I was a lucky girl and never thought "no" would be part of my future. I played volleyball when I was only 5 feet tall and was a great player at my school. I got accepted to various acedemic programs in the city. I won the coveted (ok so maybe no one cared, but I was proud) Headmaster's Award that went to an outstanding junior in my school. Granted we only had 25 kids in my private school class, but I won and cherish that gold bowl until this day. I was accepted to all three colleges I applied to and awarded various scholarships. It seemed the only thing I wasn't lucky in was love, as I hadn't really been in long term relationships with boys before I was married, but that's another blog.
So you see, until June of 1997 things were going my way. But when the doctor told us "cancer" was the diagnosis for my mother's headaches, my world collapsed. Bad things didn't happen to my family. This blog topic is on my dreams of motherhood, so I'll save the mother's illness for a future entry. But after her death November 17, 1997 my desire for love and family became more intense, but I just never found the one.
In July 2004, I met Joe. I was bartending in Hendersonville at a restaurant and he would frequent on Friday nights to see the musician, Sammy D. He and I flirted, but I was actually at a rare point where a boyfriend didn't seem like fun. I was 28 and enjoying being single and trying to find a job with one of my two degrees, so relationships seemed like a chore. In all honesty the only reason I agreed to give him my phone number was because a coworker and psuedo-friend was interested in him and well, I loved competition. Our first meeting was at a Starbucks and then we sat at the local park and talked. He was four years younger than me and the age difference showed in maturity level, but he was cute and kind of charming so I agreed to a dinner date.
I didn't find out until a few months later, but Joe had gotten a title loan on his truck to pay for our $100.00 dinner at the little Italian restaurant we went to. I started to like him more. He made me laugh, he was easy going. He had a daugther already and we would spend time with her on his weekends. After nine months I was feeling cramped living with my dad and Joe and Idecided to get a place together. Afterall, we were in love now. The one thing we had in common was spending money. Since I was making cash daily we would spend it equally fast since we had no reason to save. We made more than enough to cover rent and our bills. Then the more we spent time together the more I realized this wasn't my ideal. That man I dreamed about all those years ago. In reality, my fun and carefree Joe was annoying and lazy. I decided to start paralegal school and my first class was on May 5, 2005. I hadn't been feeling well, but couldn't miss my first day of school. Earlier that week I decided I was going to move out and back in with my dad because I just didn't feel like I wanted to be with Joe for the long haul. No one knew my plans or suspected anything, but I knew.
The next day I took a pregnancy test before classes - it was positive. I went the whole day thinking it was wrong and took another one that afternoon. Still positive. Joe and I went to the pregnancy center - positive. Now I really had to consider my future. I was scared and happy all at the same time. I was already 29 and was 4 years past my married by 25, first child by 27 goals, so a child would be a blessing. But did I want a kid with this guy? Joe and I talked a lot that weekend and realized that since I didn't have insurance we needed to be married so his work would cover me. I wouldn't be able to get to the doctor until the middle of June.
After some research and a review of our non-existent wedding budget, we decided a court house marriage was the best option and we would renew our vows after the baby was born for our family and friends. Joe and I went to K-Mart to get our rings the night before our "wedding." I decided on a cubic zirconia solitaire because it was HUGE compared to what we could afford in the diamond section. Our wedding bands were just plain gold rings. So on Friday, June 10, 2005 Joe, myself and my dad all took separate cars to the courthouse. I had an exam at paralegal school and then had a workshop for Toastmasters (a public speaking group I belonged too with my dad) at Falls Creek Falls for the weekend. Our ceremony last all of 10 minutes, if that, and I hugged and kissed my husband goodbye, and headed to school. I changed in my car in the parking lot of the school. I had worn a long floral dress with white sandals, and it wasn't really comfy for sitting in class for four hours and then the two hour drive to the conference.
It's funny because I didn't see my husband again until late Saturday evening. Things didn't seem different to me, since we were living together already. Now I just had jewelry on my hand. Our first doctor appointment was exciting and confirmed yet again I was pregnant and almost 8 weeks along. The baby seemed healthy and things were ok. My pregnancy was difficult, I had a lot of back pain, gained a lot of weight and went into early labor at 20 weeks. At that point I was put on bedrest and only allowed to go to classes. I was only working weekends at the restaurant until that point because of school and now I wasn't bringing home any money. We were fortunate that our church is full of generous members and we received so many wonderful gifts and financial assistance. Like most newlywed and new parents, Joe and I fought a lot. I later discovered it was because of his gambling addiction.
I admit that I didn't obey the "bed rest only" orders of my doctor as much as I should have, except for on Thursday, December 8, 2005. I truly was in bed most of the day leaving only to go to the bathroom and get some lunch. Ironically, at 6:00 am the next morning, my water broke. It was the exact date that my OB/GYN said I needed to get to for her to feel safe about my delivery. Procrastinator of the century I am, I didn't have a bag packed so I just grabbed some clothes. I had gained 48 pounds during my pregnancy and even though my daugther was coming early I was certain I would fit in the size 4 clothes I had worn before I was pregnant. We had to stop for gas on the way to the hospital and I told Joe to get me a donut. I knew I was going to get the epidural and you were suppose to have an empty stomach but I hadn't eaten in 10 hours and I was hungry. I didn't have any contractions so the only pain was the usual back pain I felt for the last 5 months of the pregnancy. I had gotten so use to it I wasn't sure what it felt like to not be in pain.
I call the day she was born the longest and best day of my life. Once they confirmed I was in labor (the lack of contractions caused them to run some tests, as if the fluid dripping from my body was evidence enough), I got my epidural right away. They had also given me a drug to induce contractions. Ironically the two worked against each other because the epidural slowed the process the other drug was trying to speed up. So after hours and hours of sitting around, eating only ice chips and not being able to sleep, my little angel entered the world on 11:33 PM.
Fast forward a six months, the fighting had gotten worse, Joe was staying out all night and was apparently gambling his entire paycheck. Long story short, we had to move in with my dad and by July of 2006 I decided to file for divorce. Everything was finalized by January 2007.
I felt like a failure. All my dreams of my grown up life were gone. I never had my dream wedding, my husband was disconnected and now I failed at my marriage. My child was sharing a room with me in my dad's small duplex home.
And now as I look at my five year old, I still wonder when my dreams will come true. Her life is nothing like mine. I try to mimic my mother's behaviors, but I find myself so frustrated at my life. I love my daughter, I truly do and wouldn't give her up for anything, but I HATE the life I brought her into. A strong word I know, but what little girl grows up dreaming her life will be like this: I will get pregnant when I don't have a real career, marry a guy I don't really love at a courthouse so I have insurance to go to the doctor, I will then divorce this deadbeat and struggle making more than poverty level so I can barely pay my bills and be in debt. I will raise her in apartments and we'll move every few years (FYI, our most recent move had become Kareena's 5th house in her 5 years of life).
No my life isn't perfect and no where near where I wanted it to be. I have tough days, I do. And as much as I do love my daughter, I can say if I had it to do over again I would change a lot, knowing what I do now. I hope that doesn't make me seem like a bad mother. But if I could change it, and give my daughter what I had, what she so desires, then yes I would make sure I was in love, I would be more careful with my partner, and after a healthy, committed marriage is solidified I would bring my children into the world. For now I struggle to figure out how to replicate my upbringing while I perform all the roles I can for my daughter, my job, my church and my friends.
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