Mother's Day

Mother's day was yesterday.  It is one of those holidays that has been a roller coaster of emotion for me.  When my mom was alive we would go to lunch after church or have a cook out - mom didn't cook a lot so giving her time out of the kitchen wasn't a gift :)  but we would spend the day together.  Usually she would ask for things like plants and gardening tools.  I don't ever recall an "amazing" mother's day with my mom though.  I'm sure she could tell you hundreds of stories, of great gifts I made as a child, the sappy cards I got as an adult.  But I just don't recall that holiday as well as others.  I do know that the last mother's day I had with my mom I missed.  I had taken a 6 week summer class for my criminology major.  It was too hard to get home so I told her we would celebrate when I was done in June.  I was working at a Sears department store at the time, so I got her a new casual short outfit as a gift. 

When I got home that summer, it was only a few days later she was diagnosed with cancer.  I didn't feel the guilt of missing mother's day until she died later that year and I realized that was the last mother's day that would mean anything to me (at least until I had a child).  The next year my college graduation was on Mother's day - a tradition at Capital University.  That was why I worked so hard to graduate on time so she would have such a great mother's day gift that year.  It also made it easier to get through the day celebrating a great accomplishment.

After that I could care less about mother's day.  Most of the jobs I had after that were open on mother's day and I would be sure to volunteer so that the "mom's" could be with their kids.  The day would just kind of pass by and I would do whatever I could to be numb to it.  Then in May of 2006 the day became joyful again.  I was now a mommy, and got to experience the joy that day brought. 

Being a single mom though, it's still a difficult day.  I'm still reminded that my mother isn't alive.  But I'm also reminded that I'm a single mom.  I don't get the "day off" like so many of friends wrote about.  I still had to entertain my child, cook meals, do laundry, clean my house.  My dad did take me out to dinner with Kareena which was a blessing.  But there is still a void on this day.  The spirit, the love and the blessing of the day are there, but the reminder that as a single mom I am "on" full time, 24/7 every day of the year.  My gift from my daughter was the pictures and cards she drew in school and sunday school and a beaded necklace.  Just like my birthday and christmas, I don't get a "surprise" gift from  my child because there's not a "dad/husband" to think of that. 

So Mother's day - a holiday that carried little significance before my mom died, then guilt and pain after, and now the bittersweet memories that are emphasized on a day full of joy and memories.

Easter

Easter is my favorite holiday.  Even more than my birthday, although that may be a close second.  I don't know when my fascination with Easter began, it's not been my whole life favorite.  I think it was when I first attended the Vigil of Easter Service at Trinity Lutheran church in Valparaiso, Indiana as a graduate student.  I always knew holy week, and especially Good Friday were sad, solemn times during the church year.  But that first Easter Vigil service I remember attending (I happened to be baptized on the Saturday before Easter), it hit me how much God loves ME!  That no matter how sad I am, how hurt, how broke, how scared, how lonely, Christ is there walking and carrying me.  This year, as I've been struggling hard as a single mom, I can't wait for Easter Sunday.  Kareena has been too young for the "serious" services still, but I'm hoping next year we can do the vigil service.  But Sunday - well, that's pretty special.  But this year I feel I need it so much more.

Of course you all know of our struggles, and mini-milestones...but I feel like I've failed my daughter in so many ways that the thought of her hope and faith is all I have to cling to and about all I have to give to her.  But I need to know that all this pain, all these tears are for a reason.  Are they making me stronger?  Am I hurting my daughter? It's the hardest thing as a parent to not know if I'm making unfixable mistakes, or essentially creating a broken person. 

As Easter Sunday came and went it was a passionate, spirit filled weekend.  And I am reminded that God loves Even Me - and has a wonderful plan for me.  I think of the suffering Christ endured, the faith of his disciples, and over 2000 years of tradition and beliefs that have yet to be unproven.  Yes God has a plan for Kareena and I - and I will strive to listen to his direction.