Easter

Easter is my favorite holiday.  Even more than my birthday, although that may be a close second.  I don't know when my fascination with Easter began, it's not been my whole life favorite.  I think it was when I first attended the Vigil of Easter Service at Trinity Lutheran church in Valparaiso, Indiana as a graduate student.  I always knew holy week, and especially Good Friday were sad, solemn times during the church year.  But that first Easter Vigil service I remember attending (I happened to be baptized on the Saturday before Easter), it hit me how much God loves ME!  That no matter how sad I am, how hurt, how broke, how scared, how lonely, Christ is there walking and carrying me.  This year, as I've been struggling hard as a single mom, I can't wait for Easter Sunday.  Kareena has been too young for the "serious" services still, but I'm hoping next year we can do the vigil service.  But Sunday - well, that's pretty special.  But this year I feel I need it so much more.

Of course you all know of our struggles, and mini-milestones...but I feel like I've failed my daughter in so many ways that the thought of her hope and faith is all I have to cling to and about all I have to give to her.  But I need to know that all this pain, all these tears are for a reason.  Are they making me stronger?  Am I hurting my daughter? It's the hardest thing as a parent to not know if I'm making unfixable mistakes, or essentially creating a broken person. 

As Easter Sunday came and went it was a passionate, spirit filled weekend.  And I am reminded that God loves Even Me - and has a wonderful plan for me.  I think of the suffering Christ endured, the faith of his disciples, and over 2000 years of tradition and beliefs that have yet to be unproven.  Yes God has a plan for Kareena and I - and I will strive to listen to his direction.