Ok, more complaining this time...
I have many friends who are either stay at home moms or working moms, but the one thing they have in common is that they are MARRIED. So it really irritates me when I hear or read about anyone comparing themselves to a single mom. As much as I appreciate the empathy and the praise I get, please, please don't ever say "I now know how single moms feel." Because truth be told, you don't anymore than me staying home one day with my kid would let me say "I now know how stay at home moms feel."
Yes taking care of children on your own for more than an 8 hour day is tough, but that is not the only thing that makes a single parent unique. So before you compare yourself to a single mom please consider the following questions when your spouse is away do you:
1. Worry about how the bills will get paid?
2. Have to decide if you will go to work and leave a sick kid at daycare or stay home and not get paid?
3. Plan babysitters three months in advance for church meetings and a possible date or night out with the girls?
4. Decide if you will buy groceries, get gas or pay the electric bill?
5. Resent your situation to the point of hoping it was all a nightmare and you will wake up single and childless until you meet a successful man, get married, save money and then CHOOSE to have a kid?
6. Cry yourself to sleep overwhelmed at your situation?
7. Curse the father of your children for only seeing them 16 hours a month and not supporting them financially, emotionally or spiritually?
8. Find yourself hoping for just one good guy to be Mr. Right so you aren't raising a child alone anymore?
These are just a taste of the things that run through the mind of a single mom, so as much as I feel ya' on the trying to juggle a kid or two for a few days while your husband (or wife) is on a business trip bringing money home to the household please forgive me for not feeling sorry for you, and please understand my desire for you to not compare yourself to me or any other single parent. Just remember when you are married, and especially if you are a stay at home, as stressful as crying, whining and possibly sick kids are, you're life mate is coming home, he or she is making money so you can buy groceries, drive your car and enjoy the computer you type your status on. Single parents don't have that comfort and luxury.
Thanks.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Waking up with an Angel
One Saturday morning I woke up next to the most adorable face in the world. Sometimes in all my worrying and complaining, I forget how God has given me a special gift with Kareena. Our situation may not be ideal, and my hopes and dreams of how she would be raised may not be exact, but oh my, am I blessed. There is usually a point almost everyday where I actually forget I'm a mother. It sounds strange I know, but bare with me for a minute. It is usually at night, after my daughter is asleep, and I've completed whatever chore I needed before I sit down to watch some TV (all on my trusty DVR) and enjoy some quiet, adult, me time. And for a split second in that time, I forget that upstairs, or down the hall, there is this special child. Maybe forget is the wrong word, I don't forget, I remember. I remember all the years I dreamed what it would be like when "I grew up."
I grew up in a "traditional" family. I was the only child of my parents, and they made decent money. I guess we were always in the upper-middle class category. My mother, who is my role model in all aspects of my life, returned to work a few weeks after I was born. Although I was one of those kids always in daycare, I truly knew my parents loved me. I remember my mom taking off work the first day of school every year and on my birthday. She homemade all of my Halloween costumes except for two: I was gizmo one year and a Cabbage Patch kid and those required store bought masks. I could see her feelings were hurt that she wasn't able to make a costume for me. My parents also went all out for my birthdays. Since I was a February baby and I grew up in Wisconsin, we couldn't so more than home parties. But they decorated the house, hired clowns and magicians, planned games and made our basement the best party spot every year. I tend to talk about my mother more than my dad because I want to be like her. Not that I dont' want to be like my dad, but there is a special bond between mother and daughter, and I pray to have that same connection with Kareena.
My dad was a great father. He worked hard, and was always present. His schedule was more flexible so he was the one who took me doctor appointments, stayed home when I was sick and waited with the mothers when I was in dance class. He coached me with t-ball, bowling and golf. And he never missed one of my volleyball games in high school. I was very blessed to have two parents who worked hard for me and showed me their love daily.
I babysat for a lot of kids in middle and high school. And I always loved being around kids. I couldn't wait to grow up and get married and have my own family. When I would babysit I would imagine my life 10, 15 years down the road and the house I would have and being the mother leaving for a date night with the hubby, and giving instructions to our babysitter well our kids played with dolls and trucks. It was a perfect fantasy and I was certain it would happen. You see, I always got what I wanted. Not spoiled necessarily, but things just seemed to work for me. I worked hard to get them, but I was a lucky girl and never thought "no" would be part of my future. I played volleyball when I was only 5 feet tall and was a great player at my school. I got accepted to various acedemic programs in the city. I won the coveted (ok so maybe no one cared, but I was proud) Headmaster's Award that went to an outstanding junior in my school. Granted we only had 25 kids in my private school class, but I won and cherish that gold bowl until this day. I was accepted to all three colleges I applied to and awarded various scholarships. It seemed the only thing I wasn't lucky in was love, as I hadn't really been in long term relationships with boys before I was married, but that's another blog.
So you see, until June of 1997 things were going my way. But when the doctor told us "cancer" was the diagnosis for my mother's headaches, my world collapsed. Bad things didn't happen to my family. This blog topic is on my dreams of motherhood, so I'll save the mother's illness for a future entry. But after her death November 17, 1997 my desire for love and family became more intense, but I just never found the one.
In July 2004, I met Joe. I was bartending in Hendersonville at a restaurant and he would frequent on Friday nights to see the musician, Sammy D. He and I flirted, but I was actually at a rare point where a boyfriend didn't seem like fun. I was 28 and enjoying being single and trying to find a job with one of my two degrees, so relationships seemed like a chore. In all honesty the only reason I agreed to give him my phone number was because a coworker and psuedo-friend was interested in him and well, I loved competition. Our first meeting was at a Starbucks and then we sat at the local park and talked. He was four years younger than me and the age difference showed in maturity level, but he was cute and kind of charming so I agreed to a dinner date.
I didn't find out until a few months later, but Joe had gotten a title loan on his truck to pay for our $100.00 dinner at the little Italian restaurant we went to. I started to like him more. He made me laugh, he was easy going. He had a daugther already and we would spend time with her on his weekends. After nine months I was feeling cramped living with my dad and Joe and Idecided to get a place together. Afterall, we were in love now. The one thing we had in common was spending money. Since I was making cash daily we would spend it equally fast since we had no reason to save. We made more than enough to cover rent and our bills. Then the more we spent time together the more I realized this wasn't my ideal. That man I dreamed about all those years ago. In reality, my fun and carefree Joe was annoying and lazy. I decided to start paralegal school and my first class was on May 5, 2005. I hadn't been feeling well, but couldn't miss my first day of school. Earlier that week I decided I was going to move out and back in with my dad because I just didn't feel like I wanted to be with Joe for the long haul. No one knew my plans or suspected anything, but I knew.
The next day I took a pregnancy test before classes - it was positive. I went the whole day thinking it was wrong and took another one that afternoon. Still positive. Joe and I went to the pregnancy center - positive. Now I really had to consider my future. I was scared and happy all at the same time. I was already 29 and was 4 years past my married by 25, first child by 27 goals, so a child would be a blessing. But did I want a kid with this guy? Joe and I talked a lot that weekend and realized that since I didn't have insurance we needed to be married so his work would cover me. I wouldn't be able to get to the doctor until the middle of June.
After some research and a review of our non-existent wedding budget, we decided a court house marriage was the best option and we would renew our vows after the baby was born for our family and friends. Joe and I went to K-Mart to get our rings the night before our "wedding." I decided on a cubic zirconia solitaire because it was HUGE compared to what we could afford in the diamond section. Our wedding bands were just plain gold rings. So on Friday, June 10, 2005 Joe, myself and my dad all took separate cars to the courthouse. I had an exam at paralegal school and then had a workshop for Toastmasters (a public speaking group I belonged too with my dad) at Falls Creek Falls for the weekend. Our ceremony last all of 10 minutes, if that, and I hugged and kissed my husband goodbye, and headed to school. I changed in my car in the parking lot of the school. I had worn a long floral dress with white sandals, and it wasn't really comfy for sitting in class for four hours and then the two hour drive to the conference.
It's funny because I didn't see my husband again until late Saturday evening. Things didn't seem different to me, since we were living together already. Now I just had jewelry on my hand. Our first doctor appointment was exciting and confirmed yet again I was pregnant and almost 8 weeks along. The baby seemed healthy and things were ok. My pregnancy was difficult, I had a lot of back pain, gained a lot of weight and went into early labor at 20 weeks. At that point I was put on bedrest and only allowed to go to classes. I was only working weekends at the restaurant until that point because of school and now I wasn't bringing home any money. We were fortunate that our church is full of generous members and we received so many wonderful gifts and financial assistance. Like most newlywed and new parents, Joe and I fought a lot. I later discovered it was because of his gambling addiction.
I admit that I didn't obey the "bed rest only" orders of my doctor as much as I should have, except for on Thursday, December 8, 2005. I truly was in bed most of the day leaving only to go to the bathroom and get some lunch. Ironically, at 6:00 am the next morning, my water broke. It was the exact date that my OB/GYN said I needed to get to for her to feel safe about my delivery. Procrastinator of the century I am, I didn't have a bag packed so I just grabbed some clothes. I had gained 48 pounds during my pregnancy and even though my daugther was coming early I was certain I would fit in the size 4 clothes I had worn before I was pregnant. We had to stop for gas on the way to the hospital and I told Joe to get me a donut. I knew I was going to get the epidural and you were suppose to have an empty stomach but I hadn't eaten in 10 hours and I was hungry. I didn't have any contractions so the only pain was the usual back pain I felt for the last 5 months of the pregnancy. I had gotten so use to it I wasn't sure what it felt like to not be in pain.
I call the day she was born the longest and best day of my life. Once they confirmed I was in labor (the lack of contractions caused them to run some tests, as if the fluid dripping from my body was evidence enough), I got my epidural right away. They had also given me a drug to induce contractions. Ironically the two worked against each other because the epidural slowed the process the other drug was trying to speed up. So after hours and hours of sitting around, eating only ice chips and not being able to sleep, my little angel entered the world on 11:33 PM.
Fast forward a six months, the fighting had gotten worse, Joe was staying out all night and was apparently gambling his entire paycheck. Long story short, we had to move in with my dad and by July of 2006 I decided to file for divorce. Everything was finalized by January 2007.
I felt like a failure. All my dreams of my grown up life were gone. I never had my dream wedding, my husband was disconnected and now I failed at my marriage. My child was sharing a room with me in my dad's small duplex home.
And now as I look at my five year old, I still wonder when my dreams will come true. Her life is nothing like mine. I try to mimic my mother's behaviors, but I find myself so frustrated at my life. I love my daughter, I truly do and wouldn't give her up for anything, but I HATE the life I brought her into. A strong word I know, but what little girl grows up dreaming her life will be like this: I will get pregnant when I don't have a real career, marry a guy I don't really love at a courthouse so I have insurance to go to the doctor, I will then divorce this deadbeat and struggle making more than poverty level so I can barely pay my bills and be in debt. I will raise her in apartments and we'll move every few years (FYI, our most recent move had become Kareena's 5th house in her 5 years of life).
No my life isn't perfect and no where near where I wanted it to be. I have tough days, I do. And as much as I do love my daughter, I can say if I had it to do over again I would change a lot, knowing what I do now. I hope that doesn't make me seem like a bad mother. But if I could change it, and give my daughter what I had, what she so desires, then yes I would make sure I was in love, I would be more careful with my partner, and after a healthy, committed marriage is solidified I would bring my children into the world. For now I struggle to figure out how to replicate my upbringing while I perform all the roles I can for my daughter, my job, my church and my friends.
I grew up in a "traditional" family. I was the only child of my parents, and they made decent money. I guess we were always in the upper-middle class category. My mother, who is my role model in all aspects of my life, returned to work a few weeks after I was born. Although I was one of those kids always in daycare, I truly knew my parents loved me. I remember my mom taking off work the first day of school every year and on my birthday. She homemade all of my Halloween costumes except for two: I was gizmo one year and a Cabbage Patch kid and those required store bought masks. I could see her feelings were hurt that she wasn't able to make a costume for me. My parents also went all out for my birthdays. Since I was a February baby and I grew up in Wisconsin, we couldn't so more than home parties. But they decorated the house, hired clowns and magicians, planned games and made our basement the best party spot every year. I tend to talk about my mother more than my dad because I want to be like her. Not that I dont' want to be like my dad, but there is a special bond between mother and daughter, and I pray to have that same connection with Kareena.
My dad was a great father. He worked hard, and was always present. His schedule was more flexible so he was the one who took me doctor appointments, stayed home when I was sick and waited with the mothers when I was in dance class. He coached me with t-ball, bowling and golf. And he never missed one of my volleyball games in high school. I was very blessed to have two parents who worked hard for me and showed me their love daily.
I babysat for a lot of kids in middle and high school. And I always loved being around kids. I couldn't wait to grow up and get married and have my own family. When I would babysit I would imagine my life 10, 15 years down the road and the house I would have and being the mother leaving for a date night with the hubby, and giving instructions to our babysitter well our kids played with dolls and trucks. It was a perfect fantasy and I was certain it would happen. You see, I always got what I wanted. Not spoiled necessarily, but things just seemed to work for me. I worked hard to get them, but I was a lucky girl and never thought "no" would be part of my future. I played volleyball when I was only 5 feet tall and was a great player at my school. I got accepted to various acedemic programs in the city. I won the coveted (ok so maybe no one cared, but I was proud) Headmaster's Award that went to an outstanding junior in my school. Granted we only had 25 kids in my private school class, but I won and cherish that gold bowl until this day. I was accepted to all three colleges I applied to and awarded various scholarships. It seemed the only thing I wasn't lucky in was love, as I hadn't really been in long term relationships with boys before I was married, but that's another blog.
So you see, until June of 1997 things were going my way. But when the doctor told us "cancer" was the diagnosis for my mother's headaches, my world collapsed. Bad things didn't happen to my family. This blog topic is on my dreams of motherhood, so I'll save the mother's illness for a future entry. But after her death November 17, 1997 my desire for love and family became more intense, but I just never found the one.
In July 2004, I met Joe. I was bartending in Hendersonville at a restaurant and he would frequent on Friday nights to see the musician, Sammy D. He and I flirted, but I was actually at a rare point where a boyfriend didn't seem like fun. I was 28 and enjoying being single and trying to find a job with one of my two degrees, so relationships seemed like a chore. In all honesty the only reason I agreed to give him my phone number was because a coworker and psuedo-friend was interested in him and well, I loved competition. Our first meeting was at a Starbucks and then we sat at the local park and talked. He was four years younger than me and the age difference showed in maturity level, but he was cute and kind of charming so I agreed to a dinner date.
I didn't find out until a few months later, but Joe had gotten a title loan on his truck to pay for our $100.00 dinner at the little Italian restaurant we went to. I started to like him more. He made me laugh, he was easy going. He had a daugther already and we would spend time with her on his weekends. After nine months I was feeling cramped living with my dad and Joe and Idecided to get a place together. Afterall, we were in love now. The one thing we had in common was spending money. Since I was making cash daily we would spend it equally fast since we had no reason to save. We made more than enough to cover rent and our bills. Then the more we spent time together the more I realized this wasn't my ideal. That man I dreamed about all those years ago. In reality, my fun and carefree Joe was annoying and lazy. I decided to start paralegal school and my first class was on May 5, 2005. I hadn't been feeling well, but couldn't miss my first day of school. Earlier that week I decided I was going to move out and back in with my dad because I just didn't feel like I wanted to be with Joe for the long haul. No one knew my plans or suspected anything, but I knew.
The next day I took a pregnancy test before classes - it was positive. I went the whole day thinking it was wrong and took another one that afternoon. Still positive. Joe and I went to the pregnancy center - positive. Now I really had to consider my future. I was scared and happy all at the same time. I was already 29 and was 4 years past my married by 25, first child by 27 goals, so a child would be a blessing. But did I want a kid with this guy? Joe and I talked a lot that weekend and realized that since I didn't have insurance we needed to be married so his work would cover me. I wouldn't be able to get to the doctor until the middle of June.
After some research and a review of our non-existent wedding budget, we decided a court house marriage was the best option and we would renew our vows after the baby was born for our family and friends. Joe and I went to K-Mart to get our rings the night before our "wedding." I decided on a cubic zirconia solitaire because it was HUGE compared to what we could afford in the diamond section. Our wedding bands were just plain gold rings. So on Friday, June 10, 2005 Joe, myself and my dad all took separate cars to the courthouse. I had an exam at paralegal school and then had a workshop for Toastmasters (a public speaking group I belonged too with my dad) at Falls Creek Falls for the weekend. Our ceremony last all of 10 minutes, if that, and I hugged and kissed my husband goodbye, and headed to school. I changed in my car in the parking lot of the school. I had worn a long floral dress with white sandals, and it wasn't really comfy for sitting in class for four hours and then the two hour drive to the conference.
It's funny because I didn't see my husband again until late Saturday evening. Things didn't seem different to me, since we were living together already. Now I just had jewelry on my hand. Our first doctor appointment was exciting and confirmed yet again I was pregnant and almost 8 weeks along. The baby seemed healthy and things were ok. My pregnancy was difficult, I had a lot of back pain, gained a lot of weight and went into early labor at 20 weeks. At that point I was put on bedrest and only allowed to go to classes. I was only working weekends at the restaurant until that point because of school and now I wasn't bringing home any money. We were fortunate that our church is full of generous members and we received so many wonderful gifts and financial assistance. Like most newlywed and new parents, Joe and I fought a lot. I later discovered it was because of his gambling addiction.
I admit that I didn't obey the "bed rest only" orders of my doctor as much as I should have, except for on Thursday, December 8, 2005. I truly was in bed most of the day leaving only to go to the bathroom and get some lunch. Ironically, at 6:00 am the next morning, my water broke. It was the exact date that my OB/GYN said I needed to get to for her to feel safe about my delivery. Procrastinator of the century I am, I didn't have a bag packed so I just grabbed some clothes. I had gained 48 pounds during my pregnancy and even though my daugther was coming early I was certain I would fit in the size 4 clothes I had worn before I was pregnant. We had to stop for gas on the way to the hospital and I told Joe to get me a donut. I knew I was going to get the epidural and you were suppose to have an empty stomach but I hadn't eaten in 10 hours and I was hungry. I didn't have any contractions so the only pain was the usual back pain I felt for the last 5 months of the pregnancy. I had gotten so use to it I wasn't sure what it felt like to not be in pain.
I call the day she was born the longest and best day of my life. Once they confirmed I was in labor (the lack of contractions caused them to run some tests, as if the fluid dripping from my body was evidence enough), I got my epidural right away. They had also given me a drug to induce contractions. Ironically the two worked against each other because the epidural slowed the process the other drug was trying to speed up. So after hours and hours of sitting around, eating only ice chips and not being able to sleep, my little angel entered the world on 11:33 PM.
Fast forward a six months, the fighting had gotten worse, Joe was staying out all night and was apparently gambling his entire paycheck. Long story short, we had to move in with my dad and by July of 2006 I decided to file for divorce. Everything was finalized by January 2007.
I felt like a failure. All my dreams of my grown up life were gone. I never had my dream wedding, my husband was disconnected and now I failed at my marriage. My child was sharing a room with me in my dad's small duplex home.
And now as I look at my five year old, I still wonder when my dreams will come true. Her life is nothing like mine. I try to mimic my mother's behaviors, but I find myself so frustrated at my life. I love my daughter, I truly do and wouldn't give her up for anything, but I HATE the life I brought her into. A strong word I know, but what little girl grows up dreaming her life will be like this: I will get pregnant when I don't have a real career, marry a guy I don't really love at a courthouse so I have insurance to go to the doctor, I will then divorce this deadbeat and struggle making more than poverty level so I can barely pay my bills and be in debt. I will raise her in apartments and we'll move every few years (FYI, our most recent move had become Kareena's 5th house in her 5 years of life).
No my life isn't perfect and no where near where I wanted it to be. I have tough days, I do. And as much as I do love my daughter, I can say if I had it to do over again I would change a lot, knowing what I do now. I hope that doesn't make me seem like a bad mother. But if I could change it, and give my daughter what I had, what she so desires, then yes I would make sure I was in love, I would be more careful with my partner, and after a healthy, committed marriage is solidified I would bring my children into the world. For now I struggle to figure out how to replicate my upbringing while I perform all the roles I can for my daughter, my job, my church and my friends.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Pay Day and other things today brings...
So, last night my little angel, who has been fighting a cold and cough, was cuddling with mama, when around 1:00 AM I was awaken by this small person screaming and thrashing in the night. Kareena isn't a sound sleeper normally, but this was not her normal tossing and turning. I was able to wake her up enough to discover she was in pain. Her ear was hurting. Since I had taken some night time cold medicine I was a little drowsy, but being "super mom" I overcame my tired, sick wanting to stay in bed and sleep feelings, stumbled to the bathroom to get the thermometer and some children's Tylenol (store brand cold medicine actually). That helped right away, and she was off in dream land. But I wasn't yet. I quickly researched on my cell phone (need to justify having the Internet in my plan somehow) ear aches in children, the cause, how serious they are. You see, we've been lucky, in her almost 5 years I think Kareena's had 2 or 3 ear infections, so my mama knowledge on this was minimal. I discovered lots of home remedies to relieve the pain and pressure, and since there was no fever, canceled plans to trek to the hospital (please note I am a self proclaimed hypochondriac, who tends to think the worse...WebMD is not a good resource for people like me).
This morning things seemed better. We are both still stuffy, and tend to take care of each other. Of course we were running late, but fortunately I have a job now that has a little more flexibility and understanding that I'm Kareena's mom before I'm "their" paralegal. But being that I'm the only income maker in our household, I feel torn sometimes on if I should work when my child is sick or be with her and nurse her back to health. It's the worse feeling in the world I think. It's hard enough when your kid is sick and you can't help her, but to have to leave her at daycare, knowing she's tired, sick, and cranky...well, tough decision, but if I don't work, I don't get paid (I do have paid time off days, but not many yet being I'm still in my first year, and I need to save those for "true" days needed, a cold doesn't seem to qualify).
Payday is today also, and normally that would be exciting...but when you live like I do (or have trouble managing bills and money) it's a stressful day. I have to figure out how much is left after all the overdraft charges have pushed my account way below zero (but I get some comfort in know that results from some bills being paid). Once I know how much I truly have from my check then I figure out what bills get paid (let's just say about $790 was eaten up by overdraft and bank fees - if anyone works for US Bank and gets a raise next year - you are very welcome!).
So since I've pledged complete and total honesty in this blog about my trials and joys in single, working motherhood, here is how by payday break down is gonna go: I now have $400 in my account. I worked out a deal with my car loan, so I do have to pay that today (16 days late), so that will leave me with $97. I have a loan I've negotiated a minimum payment this month, so that's $14, and then my deposit for my new place - $89. Yes, I'm gonna be short. That's when I try to figure out what can be moved, and I hope and pray my ex-husband is telling the truth this time that money has been deposited into the child support checking account. That is a debit card account set up through the state, so everything is open and fair. I don't mind it that way, just takes a while for everything to post.
So perhaps now you can see why payday isn't exactly my happiest day each month, as I have to bounce bills around, figure out ways to make cash fast (legally of course: Craigslist, ebay, sell gold), and try not to borrow anymore money before my next payday.
Of course my newest fear is that my daughter's cold will become severe enough that we need to go to the doctor. I have a balance due with her doctor's office which I pay each month, and fortunately with this new job our insurance allows for only a $20 copay. So, let's chat about that for a minute. As a single, working mother, I don't qualify for state insurance (TennCare) and I'm ok with that cause it's not great, but the idea of not having to weigh the option of taking my child to the doctor would be nice. With my previous job, my insurance was one of those where they paid the premium for me, but not the family, and it was a deductible plan (not sure of the official name, but that was my name for it). That meant I had to meet my deductible before anything was covered. For a single person that was $2500. Now if I wanted to add Kareena to my insurance it would have cost me $280 per month for the premium, and then I would have to meet a $3300 family deductible. So I opted, through advice of many people I trusted (and stand by this decision today), to not have insurance for my child for about 3 years (she had it for a few months at a time if her father had a job that had insurance, and at one point I did a private plan for her). This saved me a ton of money, as her doctor allowed me to make payments, so I wouldn't have to pay for each visit, and I was only left with a bill after all is said and done of about $500, which is much better than the m$3360 for the premium, plus that $500 I would have had to still pay. Now we have a plan I pay $200 a month for through work, plus I signed up for Aflac, and we only have a $20 doctor visit co-pay. But there were times before this job, when she was uninsured, where I probably should have taken to a doctor and didn't because I didnt' have the money and worked for a law firm that punished you for being absent, even if you were taking care of your child. Either way, I couldn't afford to take her to the doctor, and we are very blessed nothing was ever seriously wrong with her.
But how can a situation like listed above, be ok in a country like America? I'm not for a true public health care insurance system (like Obama Care), because my mother worked in the insurance industry, so I see health insurance from two perspectives. But it goes back to the issue of being a single mother, I have to carry the weight of the medical bills and trying to decide if my daughter is sick enough to stay home from school and if my work load is small enough that I can miss a day.
Somedays I feel like a hamster in a wheel...just spinning and running and not really getting anywhere...and I can see others running by, reaching goals and living their dreams....and I see all of my goals and dreams, and I wonder if and when I will get there.
God's peace and Blessings to anyone reading!!
Heidi
This morning things seemed better. We are both still stuffy, and tend to take care of each other. Of course we were running late, but fortunately I have a job now that has a little more flexibility and understanding that I'm Kareena's mom before I'm "their" paralegal. But being that I'm the only income maker in our household, I feel torn sometimes on if I should work when my child is sick or be with her and nurse her back to health. It's the worse feeling in the world I think. It's hard enough when your kid is sick and you can't help her, but to have to leave her at daycare, knowing she's tired, sick, and cranky...well, tough decision, but if I don't work, I don't get paid (I do have paid time off days, but not many yet being I'm still in my first year, and I need to save those for "true" days needed, a cold doesn't seem to qualify).
Payday is today also, and normally that would be exciting...but when you live like I do (or have trouble managing bills and money) it's a stressful day. I have to figure out how much is left after all the overdraft charges have pushed my account way below zero (but I get some comfort in know that results from some bills being paid). Once I know how much I truly have from my check then I figure out what bills get paid (let's just say about $790 was eaten up by overdraft and bank fees - if anyone works for US Bank and gets a raise next year - you are very welcome!).
So since I've pledged complete and total honesty in this blog about my trials and joys in single, working motherhood, here is how by payday break down is gonna go: I now have $400 in my account. I worked out a deal with my car loan, so I do have to pay that today (16 days late), so that will leave me with $97. I have a loan I've negotiated a minimum payment this month, so that's $14, and then my deposit for my new place - $89. Yes, I'm gonna be short. That's when I try to figure out what can be moved, and I hope and pray my ex-husband is telling the truth this time that money has been deposited into the child support checking account. That is a debit card account set up through the state, so everything is open and fair. I don't mind it that way, just takes a while for everything to post.
So perhaps now you can see why payday isn't exactly my happiest day each month, as I have to bounce bills around, figure out ways to make cash fast (legally of course: Craigslist, ebay, sell gold), and try not to borrow anymore money before my next payday.
Of course my newest fear is that my daughter's cold will become severe enough that we need to go to the doctor. I have a balance due with her doctor's office which I pay each month, and fortunately with this new job our insurance allows for only a $20 copay. So, let's chat about that for a minute. As a single, working mother, I don't qualify for state insurance (TennCare) and I'm ok with that cause it's not great, but the idea of not having to weigh the option of taking my child to the doctor would be nice. With my previous job, my insurance was one of those where they paid the premium for me, but not the family, and it was a deductible plan (not sure of the official name, but that was my name for it). That meant I had to meet my deductible before anything was covered. For a single person that was $2500. Now if I wanted to add Kareena to my insurance it would have cost me $280 per month for the premium, and then I would have to meet a $3300 family deductible. So I opted, through advice of many people I trusted (and stand by this decision today), to not have insurance for my child for about 3 years (she had it for a few months at a time if her father had a job that had insurance, and at one point I did a private plan for her). This saved me a ton of money, as her doctor allowed me to make payments, so I wouldn't have to pay for each visit, and I was only left with a bill after all is said and done of about $500, which is much better than the m$3360 for the premium, plus that $500 I would have had to still pay. Now we have a plan I pay $200 a month for through work, plus I signed up for Aflac, and we only have a $20 doctor visit co-pay. But there were times before this job, when she was uninsured, where I probably should have taken to a doctor and didn't because I didnt' have the money and worked for a law firm that punished you for being absent, even if you were taking care of your child. Either way, I couldn't afford to take her to the doctor, and we are very blessed nothing was ever seriously wrong with her.
But how can a situation like listed above, be ok in a country like America? I'm not for a true public health care insurance system (like Obama Care), because my mother worked in the insurance industry, so I see health insurance from two perspectives. But it goes back to the issue of being a single mother, I have to carry the weight of the medical bills and trying to decide if my daughter is sick enough to stay home from school and if my work load is small enough that I can miss a day.
Somedays I feel like a hamster in a wheel...just spinning and running and not really getting anywhere...and I can see others running by, reaching goals and living their dreams....and I see all of my goals and dreams, and I wonder if and when I will get there.
God's peace and Blessings to anyone reading!!
Heidi
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Need to complain...
Have you ever felt like your life isn't fair? I try to be happy with my life, look at my blessings and not the bad stuff, but sometimes I just feel like I'm stuck. As a single mother, I'm stuck in a lot of ways. In my work, as a parent, as a friend, my free time, and of course dating. Everything revolves around my daughter, and is done for her, good or bad. And, when you are a single mom making around $40,000, before taxes and deductions (not quite middle class but above poverty line for sure), your resources are very limited. That's my complaint. This blog will not be a year's worth of complaints, but it will outline the challenges, struggles and obstacles for a single parent, and it will also outline the great joys I have in my role.
The reason I developed this blog is because in the last year I've gotten into a little debt and barely making ends meet. Not credit card debt, just a matter of only paying the bills I have the money for so other bills pile up. In looking for a less expensive apartment or home, in a safe area, near a good school (my child starts Kindergarten next year), I realized that there are some very nice places for "income restricted" guidelines. This means that at my current yearly, before tax, income, I could qualify if I had 4 more people living with me that don't have jobs. That bothers me. I work hard, have gone to school, and I have to pay for my own rent, my car, food, daycare, clothes, etc. But seeing so many people, and a few I know personally, not working or working minimal hours and living in homes twice as big as mine, getting free food, free daycare, free health care...that kind of irks me. It's like being stuck in the middle: not making enough to survive on but too much to get assistance. I'm fortunate to have some help through my church and family, but what about other moms (or dads) like me that get no child support and make too much for assistance, and don't have that support system?
I recently heard on a radio talkshow that the host read that single parents are struggling the most in this economy - but I have yet to hear anyone take up our cause. Poor people, yes. Minorities, yes. Sexual Orientation, yes. But just being a middle income, single parent household - not so much.
Besides the money, as a single mom, with a minimally active father of my child, I am the sole disciplinarian, comforter, playmate, bedtime story reader, nurse, etc. When my child is sick, I get the call from preschool to pick her up and I'm the one who misses work to take care of her. When she misbehaves at school, I'm the one who has to get the letter, phone call, meeting with the teacher (and she's only 4). When I have a balance due at my daughter's doctors office, it is my name that gets sent to collections if I miss a payment. I have to adjust my life for my child. Sometimes I literally feel like "Heidi" no longer exists, and she's been replaced by ", Mommy, Bill payer, Paralegal, Coworker."
Ok, so for my first post I've laid out all my complaints. Hopefully in the coming days, weeks, years, you will see how much I do love my life and especially my daughter. And perhaps a mind or two will open up to the struggles of single parents, specifically those stuck in the "middle" in many areas of their life.
God's Blessings to all!!
Heidi
The reason I developed this blog is because in the last year I've gotten into a little debt and barely making ends meet. Not credit card debt, just a matter of only paying the bills I have the money for so other bills pile up. In looking for a less expensive apartment or home, in a safe area, near a good school (my child starts Kindergarten next year), I realized that there are some very nice places for "income restricted" guidelines. This means that at my current yearly, before tax, income, I could qualify if I had 4 more people living with me that don't have jobs. That bothers me. I work hard, have gone to school, and I have to pay for my own rent, my car, food, daycare, clothes, etc. But seeing so many people, and a few I know personally, not working or working minimal hours and living in homes twice as big as mine, getting free food, free daycare, free health care...that kind of irks me. It's like being stuck in the middle: not making enough to survive on but too much to get assistance. I'm fortunate to have some help through my church and family, but what about other moms (or dads) like me that get no child support and make too much for assistance, and don't have that support system?
I recently heard on a radio talkshow that the host read that single parents are struggling the most in this economy - but I have yet to hear anyone take up our cause. Poor people, yes. Minorities, yes. Sexual Orientation, yes. But just being a middle income, single parent household - not so much.
Besides the money, as a single mom, with a minimally active father of my child, I am the sole disciplinarian, comforter, playmate, bedtime story reader, nurse, etc. When my child is sick, I get the call from preschool to pick her up and I'm the one who misses work to take care of her. When she misbehaves at school, I'm the one who has to get the letter, phone call, meeting with the teacher (and she's only 4). When I have a balance due at my daughter's doctors office, it is my name that gets sent to collections if I miss a payment. I have to adjust my life for my child. Sometimes I literally feel like "Heidi" no longer exists, and she's been replaced by ", Mommy, Bill payer, Paralegal, Coworker."
Ok, so for my first post I've laid out all my complaints. Hopefully in the coming days, weeks, years, you will see how much I do love my life and especially my daughter. And perhaps a mind or two will open up to the struggles of single parents, specifically those stuck in the "middle" in many areas of their life.
God's Blessings to all!!
Heidi
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