Mother's day was yesterday. It is one of those holidays that has been a roller coaster of emotion for me. When my mom was alive we would go to lunch after church or have a cook out - mom didn't cook a lot so giving her time out of the kitchen wasn't a gift :) but we would spend the day together. Usually she would ask for things like plants and gardening tools. I don't ever recall an "amazing" mother's day with my mom though. I'm sure she could tell you hundreds of stories, of great gifts I made as a child, the sappy cards I got as an adult. But I just don't recall that holiday as well as others. I do know that the last mother's day I had with my mom I missed. I had taken a 6 week summer class for my criminology major. It was too hard to get home so I told her we would celebrate when I was done in June. I was working at a Sears department store at the time, so I got her a new casual short outfit as a gift.
When I got home that summer, it was only a few days later she was diagnosed with cancer. I didn't feel the guilt of missing mother's day until she died later that year and I realized that was the last mother's day that would mean anything to me (at least until I had a child). The next year my college graduation was on Mother's day - a tradition at Capital University. That was why I worked so hard to graduate on time so she would have such a great mother's day gift that year. It also made it easier to get through the day celebrating a great accomplishment.
After that I could care less about mother's day. Most of the jobs I had after that were open on mother's day and I would be sure to volunteer so that the "mom's" could be with their kids. The day would just kind of pass by and I would do whatever I could to be numb to it. Then in May of 2006 the day became joyful again. I was now a mommy, and got to experience the joy that day brought.
Being a single mom though, it's still a difficult day. I'm still reminded that my mother isn't alive. But I'm also reminded that I'm a single mom. I don't get the "day off" like so many of friends wrote about. I still had to entertain my child, cook meals, do laundry, clean my house. My dad did take me out to dinner with Kareena which was a blessing. But there is still a void on this day. The spirit, the love and the blessing of the day are there, but the reminder that as a single mom I am "on" full time, 24/7 every day of the year. My gift from my daughter was the pictures and cards she drew in school and sunday school and a beaded necklace. Just like my birthday and christmas, I don't get a "surprise" gift from my child because there's not a "dad/husband" to think of that.
So Mother's day - a holiday that carried little significance before my mom died, then guilt and pain after, and now the bittersweet memories that are emphasized on a day full of joy and memories.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Easter
Easter is my favorite holiday. Even more than my birthday, although that may be a close second. I don't know when my fascination with Easter began, it's not been my whole life favorite. I think it was when I first attended the Vigil of Easter Service at Trinity Lutheran church in Valparaiso, Indiana as a graduate student. I always knew holy week, and especially Good Friday were sad, solemn times during the church year. But that first Easter Vigil service I remember attending (I happened to be baptized on the Saturday before Easter), it hit me how much God loves ME! That no matter how sad I am, how hurt, how broke, how scared, how lonely, Christ is there walking and carrying me. This year, as I've been struggling hard as a single mom, I can't wait for Easter Sunday. Kareena has been too young for the "serious" services still, but I'm hoping next year we can do the vigil service. But Sunday - well, that's pretty special. But this year I feel I need it so much more.
Of course you all know of our struggles, and mini-milestones...but I feel like I've failed my daughter in so many ways that the thought of her hope and faith is all I have to cling to and about all I have to give to her. But I need to know that all this pain, all these tears are for a reason. Are they making me stronger? Am I hurting my daughter? It's the hardest thing as a parent to not know if I'm making unfixable mistakes, or essentially creating a broken person.
As Easter Sunday came and went it was a passionate, spirit filled weekend. And I am reminded that God loves Even Me - and has a wonderful plan for me. I think of the suffering Christ endured, the faith of his disciples, and over 2000 years of tradition and beliefs that have yet to be unproven. Yes God has a plan for Kareena and I - and I will strive to listen to his direction.
Of course you all know of our struggles, and mini-milestones...but I feel like I've failed my daughter in so many ways that the thought of her hope and faith is all I have to cling to and about all I have to give to her. But I need to know that all this pain, all these tears are for a reason. Are they making me stronger? Am I hurting my daughter? It's the hardest thing as a parent to not know if I'm making unfixable mistakes, or essentially creating a broken person.
As Easter Sunday came and went it was a passionate, spirit filled weekend. And I am reminded that God loves Even Me - and has a wonderful plan for me. I think of the suffering Christ endured, the faith of his disciples, and over 2000 years of tradition and beliefs that have yet to be unproven. Yes God has a plan for Kareena and I - and I will strive to listen to his direction.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Breakdown in the Checkout at Aldi's
Well, every so often I must admit I have at total mental breakdown as a single mother and where my life is. Recently, just a few short weeks ago, this happened at Aldi's. My deepest apologies to all the people behind me and the clerk who was only trying to do her job. I really hate shopping at Aldi's. They rarely have what I need, I always forget to bring bags or boxes, and there is no cookie display for Kareena, so our trips there are less desirable than when we go to Publix. But on occassion my money is incredibly strapped and this was one of those days. I had literally $7 to buy 2 weeks worth of groceries and we had nothing at home - pasta but no sauce and some frozen veggies...but not enough to sustain me and my growing angel. So I went to Aldi's thinking I could get some ground beef, milk and maybe bread. Well, I used a quarter to get a cart, so I was down to $6.75. Milk is not cheap at Aldi's so in our first run I got milk, eggs, jello (it was only 30 cents and thought it would be nice for Kareena) and as I was walking to the checkout I realized we needed more than this. So I went to take my stuff off the conveyor belt and had to yell at Kareena for grabbing stuff she shouldn't and the lady started to ring us up. I explained I had changed my mind at the last minute and didn't want this stuff. She seemed personally insulted and I tried to nicely say that I only had so much money and wanted to re-evaluate what we got. She rolled her eyes and handed me the stuff to take back and kept the jello so Kareena didn't have a total break down. I put Kareena in the basket part of the cart and returned the eggs and bread. This time I opted for a large package of ground beef and just the milk. We wheeled back to the checkout and instantly a line of 5 people formed behind me. She rang up our stuff and put it in the cart - with Kareena and no bags. Then she told me my total $7.68. I thought I had at least $2 in my checking account, but apparently I did not. So I gave her the $6 and looked at the cart. Kareena in the meantime had opened the box of the jello and poked a whole in the beef. I couldn't return anything that would get me to $6. I started to cry, dropped my purse as I was digging for pennies and change. I apologized to all the people who seemed impatient and stared at me. Finally, someone said "how much do you need honey?" And one person gave the clerk $1 and someone else gave the rest. All I could say was "Thank you and God Bless you all" but I felt so humilated. And of course Kareena was on her A game with misbehaving so I had no patience. I continued to cry to the car, all the way home and once we got home. My poor little girl had no clue why mommy was upset or that money was such a hard thing for us.
Two hours later I got a text from a dear friend who heard me say I was shopping at Aldi's because of the small amount of money I had. She offered to loan me some money, I said no, she argued with me for 45 minutes and I realized God was answering a prayer for me. I accepted asking for just $30. She forced me to take more and we were able to shop at Walmart (not quite Publix but better than Aldi's) and get what we needed. I also had another friend two days later show up with boxes of food from Costco. Again, showing me God's grace and love.
As a single mom my struggles seem more magnified than those who are married with children or those who have no children...and yet I find support from these individuals when I need it most. I am an only child and my church and friends have become my extended family, especially since my divorce. Kareena and I are beyond blessed to have the people we have in our lives. And for now, I enjoy my single motherhood...at least until the next breakdown.
Two hours later I got a text from a dear friend who heard me say I was shopping at Aldi's because of the small amount of money I had. She offered to loan me some money, I said no, she argued with me for 45 minutes and I realized God was answering a prayer for me. I accepted asking for just $30. She forced me to take more and we were able to shop at Walmart (not quite Publix but better than Aldi's) and get what we needed. I also had another friend two days later show up with boxes of food from Costco. Again, showing me God's grace and love.
As a single mom my struggles seem more magnified than those who are married with children or those who have no children...and yet I find support from these individuals when I need it most. I am an only child and my church and friends have become my extended family, especially since my divorce. Kareena and I are beyond blessed to have the people we have in our lives. And for now, I enjoy my single motherhood...at least until the next breakdown.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Car Troubles...
Someone posted on Facebook the other day "you can't see the silver lining without going through the clouds" or something along those lines. Well, in the last few years I feel like I'm living in those clouds, not like "cloud 9" but dark, stormy, yucky, sleeting, snowy, hail, clouds. Last Thursday...the day before my 35th birthday...my car died on the way to work. I was fortunate to get to a parking lot, but it was pooring rain and there I was hoping it was just the rain that triggered my car to completely die. I couldn't believe there was something else wrong with my car. The car I got because my old car had so many problems I was spending too much on mechanics so decided to get something newer.
It was just another obstacle in my life. Another major ticket item I didn't have money for in my budget. My dad was able to borrow a friend's car and I drove his this week, and by Monday the mechanic determined it was a broken alternator, and it couldn't be rebuilt, and I would need a new battery (thanks to the broken alternator draining my battery). And the hefty bottome line price for this: $572. Once again, my dad helped but I need to find a way to pay him back. He's on a fixed, retirement income, so that much money is as much a blow to him as it is to me.
So just another thing that becomes a huge headache to the struggling, single mom. You see to many people $500 isn't a big chunk of change, even if not budgeted. To me that is almost a month's rent, my car payment plus two weeks of daycare, five months of cell phone bills or internet/cable bills...etc. As I've mentioned in previous blogs, my budget is tight...by no means is it balanced. The difference between me and the government though is that I can't "create" money from nothing. If I don't have it, I don't have it. That's it.
Now here's where I start to complain and pout a bit more....the one thing that would have made this a little less of a sting: My child support is suppose to be $600 a month. Currently I'm receiving $0.00. Nothing. In the last year I've received $222.00. I've gone to court a few times, but then my attorney drops the ball and we miss follow ups or the opportunity to throw his deadbeat butt in jail. Now, I know some critics will say "well what will that do?" (of course I'm pretty sure I don't have many followers so therefore no critics...lol). Well, that will show him I'm not one of these woman who thinks it's OK for a man to create a child and not support that child. Would it be different if he actually spent time with her? Possibly, but to me it's more than "babysitting" it's about truly being a parent. We were married for 13 months, and together for 8 months when I got pregnant. This child isn't the product of some random hook up and I'm forcing him to be a part of her life. No, he willingly choose to create a child with me and be a part of her life. But for some reason my ex has convinced himself that seeing Kareena every other Saturday for 5-6 hours is enough to be considered a good dad. He has no sense of guilt for not supporting her financially - he has gone so far to call me greedy for expecting it.
Now the sadder part - I've met some great guys who have been either single, custodial parents, or the non-custodial parent, and they are so invested in their kids lives, and so committed to supporting them. It breaks my heart that I had to fall for the one guy who has no sense of responsibility and accountability. So when things like my car breaking down, or rent raises, or daycare increases happen I get angry...at him. He who skates by, avoids jail, financial responsibility, having a job, yet finds time, money and supportive friends to go to bars, play darts, drink, gamble, etc. I guess that's why I've been so picky in dating. I joke that I will marry for money the second time around, but in some ways that is true. I look more at success, stability, and responsibility then I do at other characteristics with guys.
For now, I have my car, and will find a way to cover the costs, just as I always do. Usually "borrowing from Peter to pay Paul" as the saying goes. And my cycle will continue and my clouds will surround me...but someday, I hope, I pray that lining will be visible and my sun will shine.
It was just another obstacle in my life. Another major ticket item I didn't have money for in my budget. My dad was able to borrow a friend's car and I drove his this week, and by Monday the mechanic determined it was a broken alternator, and it couldn't be rebuilt, and I would need a new battery (thanks to the broken alternator draining my battery). And the hefty bottome line price for this: $572. Once again, my dad helped but I need to find a way to pay him back. He's on a fixed, retirement income, so that much money is as much a blow to him as it is to me.
So just another thing that becomes a huge headache to the struggling, single mom. You see to many people $500 isn't a big chunk of change, even if not budgeted. To me that is almost a month's rent, my car payment plus two weeks of daycare, five months of cell phone bills or internet/cable bills...etc. As I've mentioned in previous blogs, my budget is tight...by no means is it balanced. The difference between me and the government though is that I can't "create" money from nothing. If I don't have it, I don't have it. That's it.
Now here's where I start to complain and pout a bit more....the one thing that would have made this a little less of a sting: My child support is suppose to be $600 a month. Currently I'm receiving $0.00. Nothing. In the last year I've received $222.00. I've gone to court a few times, but then my attorney drops the ball and we miss follow ups or the opportunity to throw his deadbeat butt in jail. Now, I know some critics will say "well what will that do?" (of course I'm pretty sure I don't have many followers so therefore no critics...lol). Well, that will show him I'm not one of these woman who thinks it's OK for a man to create a child and not support that child. Would it be different if he actually spent time with her? Possibly, but to me it's more than "babysitting" it's about truly being a parent. We were married for 13 months, and together for 8 months when I got pregnant. This child isn't the product of some random hook up and I'm forcing him to be a part of her life. No, he willingly choose to create a child with me and be a part of her life. But for some reason my ex has convinced himself that seeing Kareena every other Saturday for 5-6 hours is enough to be considered a good dad. He has no sense of guilt for not supporting her financially - he has gone so far to call me greedy for expecting it.
Now the sadder part - I've met some great guys who have been either single, custodial parents, or the non-custodial parent, and they are so invested in their kids lives, and so committed to supporting them. It breaks my heart that I had to fall for the one guy who has no sense of responsibility and accountability. So when things like my car breaking down, or rent raises, or daycare increases happen I get angry...at him. He who skates by, avoids jail, financial responsibility, having a job, yet finds time, money and supportive friends to go to bars, play darts, drink, gamble, etc. I guess that's why I've been so picky in dating. I joke that I will marry for money the second time around, but in some ways that is true. I look more at success, stability, and responsibility then I do at other characteristics with guys.
For now, I have my car, and will find a way to cover the costs, just as I always do. Usually "borrowing from Peter to pay Paul" as the saying goes. And my cycle will continue and my clouds will surround me...but someday, I hope, I pray that lining will be visible and my sun will shine.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Single Parent = Single in General
Dating as a single parent is never easy. I think it's especially difficult for single moms with daughters and here's why: there are a lot of weirdos out there that tend to pray on us "vulnerable" types. Fortunately I wouldn't consider myself as a vulnerable person. But there are a few strikes against me. I'm about to turn 35 - not too old, but definitely fighting a ticking clock for the husband and 3 additional children I'd like to have. And there is my little angel, who wants a "new daddy" or sometimes she says "step daddy" or "I could have two daddies." Needless to say, Kareena wants a mommy and daddy in her home. She wants a normal childhood that she sees her friends have. So anytime I consider dating someone, her first question has now become "does he like kids?" I've learned the hard way to not introduce my daughter to anyone, but her and I tend to look at the profiles on match.com together. However, on occassion, she has spotted a man at the grocery store, park and even our pizza delivery guy once, and will randomly ask if he would marry her mommy and be her new daddy. So I try to protect both her and the potential date from any heart ache and weirdness.
Another hinderance is my time. Kareena's father only sees her every other Saturday for about 6-8 hours. Basically he babysits. My father has been kind enough to keep her one night a week, but usually that one night ends up being for one of the many church committee or council meetings I have. So I tend to do lunch dates if possible to avoid getting a sitter. But I have had to wait a couple months sometimes before I get to meet someone due to schedules and timing. And if I meet someone who also has children, timing is even more difficult. In fact, I would say the reason I stopped talking to last couple guys I've dated were kid related: one didn't have kids nor the patience or time to be in a relationship with someone with a child and the other had 4 children and lived an hour away from me. In case you weren't sure - the Brady Bunch truly is only a movie. Our kids were great together but 5 kids from 3-13 at one time while you are trying to get to know each other, that becomes chaotic. Too chaotic.
So how does a single mom get back into the dating scene? I've tried the friend setting up thing as well, but most of my friends are married with other married friends or single with "chronically single" friends...so I think when you get to your 30s finding potential mates become more difficult. Of course, being a true Pisces, I dream of bumping into my prince charming at Publix, or picking up the phone to a wrong number and chatting til sunrise or playing with my daughter at the park and my single father twin is there and our kids are playing, we start talking....well you get the idea. Sadly their are no fairy tales about single moms for me to use as guide.
So for now I will keep checking out profiles, looking all around in public, and hope that someday Kareena propositions the right guy to "marry my mommy." Then not only will my fairy tale come true, but my little princess will also have her happy ever after!
Another hinderance is my time. Kareena's father only sees her every other Saturday for about 6-8 hours. Basically he babysits. My father has been kind enough to keep her one night a week, but usually that one night ends up being for one of the many church committee or council meetings I have. So I tend to do lunch dates if possible to avoid getting a sitter. But I have had to wait a couple months sometimes before I get to meet someone due to schedules and timing. And if I meet someone who also has children, timing is even more difficult. In fact, I would say the reason I stopped talking to last couple guys I've dated were kid related: one didn't have kids nor the patience or time to be in a relationship with someone with a child and the other had 4 children and lived an hour away from me. In case you weren't sure - the Brady Bunch truly is only a movie. Our kids were great together but 5 kids from 3-13 at one time while you are trying to get to know each other, that becomes chaotic. Too chaotic.
So how does a single mom get back into the dating scene? I've tried the friend setting up thing as well, but most of my friends are married with other married friends or single with "chronically single" friends...so I think when you get to your 30s finding potential mates become more difficult. Of course, being a true Pisces, I dream of bumping into my prince charming at Publix, or picking up the phone to a wrong number and chatting til sunrise or playing with my daughter at the park and my single father twin is there and our kids are playing, we start talking....well you get the idea. Sadly their are no fairy tales about single moms for me to use as guide.
So for now I will keep checking out profiles, looking all around in public, and hope that someday Kareena propositions the right guy to "marry my mommy." Then not only will my fairy tale come true, but my little princess will also have her happy ever after!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Resentment
Life isn't suppose to be about regrets or resent. But sometimes I feel like I have made so many mistakes and taken so many wrong turns I wish I could do it again. I must admit had I started this blog topic a week ago, it would have said some very heavy, sad things. But today I have a new perspective, thanks to a tragedy of a family I don't know. This may be one of those weird writings where I bounce back and forth a lot, but as I have said before I promise to be raw and write straight from my heart so there is no editing, no second guessing...just me talking, or writing as the case may be.
A few months ago I attended a retreat called Vio de Christo: Notes of Grace. I was shown unconditional love and told how grace was there for me no matter what. Well, as we all should know by now, I'm anything but saintly, and a few dark secrets crept from the corners of my mind. Thoughts, feelings, things I would never share out loud, so for me to accept this Grace was a challenge. Finally I spoke to one of the Pastors there and I said the words I had felt for years: "I resent my daughter." Ouch! Of course I went on to explain, but even that Pastor had a look that caused me heartache. Please note I was not emotionless during this conversation - on the contrary I had spent days crying and crying as I struggled with my feelings. Saying it out loud stung even more than the passing thoughts. But I continued. In an earlier post I said how if I had a chance to do it all again, knowing where I would be today, I would change a lot. That although Kareena is unique and a great kid, completely adorable, I really HATE the life I've created. Add to that the thoughts I have that my financial problems, which lead to a lesser than desirable home and car, lack of freedom, and virtually no privacy, are all because of me having a kid and being a single mom. Oh, in reality I know that I could have these struggles in any situation, but it's so easy to say if that one little roadblock was gone it would be so easy. I could find a job anywhere that pays more, but being a parent means staying close to her father (per Tennessee state Code). Without being a mom, I could spontaneously go to dinner or drinks with friends, go out on a date, go away for a weekend...oh I could really "live."
So after confessing that I feel like the worse parent in the world, I was told that I was not, and that God's love and grace was still there for me. The pastor suggested I speak to my own Pastor and I did. Again, we discussed how challenging Kareena is and perhaps if she wasn't so "energetic" and "disobedient" I would be more relaxed as a single parent. I explained my fear of failure, of not doing it like my parents did. Comparing myself to my mother is one of my greatest flaws. She was amazing - she had a career, balanced that with being an amazing mother, and managed to keep her marriage on track for 25 years. Sure we had ups and downs, but there was so much love, attention, and "stuff" I was given as a child that I dreamed I would give my own. Of course the conversation like so many I have had focused on being the best ME and not my mother to Kareena. I felt good but not great.
Well, that brings me to my new outlook. I am more greatful for a challenging kid, one who steals food and candy, hides my makeup in her bedroom, redecorates my bathroom with lipstick and my walls with crayon, I love being able to chase her around malls, restaurants and church. A couple weeks ago a friend posted on facebook about a family that lost their chance at these moments. A van carrying a younger couple (he 40 her 35) and the wife's parents was rearended during a snowy drive in Michigan. The wife, Sara, was 9 months pregnant, due in just a few weeks. Sadly she died at the scene, but miraculously, the baby was born and a heartbeat was recovered. Little Miranda was on life support for 3 days. I joined a facebook group to pray for a miracle, but alas, her mother and God won the custody battle and the little angel flew to heaven. What amazed me more was the husband/father, Chad, and his strength and faith. Now if that wasn't enough to make me feel horrible for not liking my kid sometimes, I became engrossed in the story. I read the blog the couple started from when they discovered she was pregnant to his last blog on Valentine's day. I began to know this couple and my guilt festered. They tried for 16 months to have a child...my child was conceived from a careless, and probably drunken, evening with my live in boyfriend. They were together for 15 years. I was with my boyfriend for 9 months. They were thrilled to be having a child, documenting every moment in his blog, a proud father, and excited mother. I was scared to death and hesitant at my choices. Abortion was never an option for me, but I must say knowing the relationship I had with Kareena's dad made it difficult to be excited about our child.
Reading Chad's blog, I cried. I realized all his dreams of playing with his child, rocking her to sleep, midnight feedings, first steps and words, were dead. And here I was complaining about the very things he would give his arm for. I am still struggling with how to balance everything and make things "normal" for Kareena in our chaotic life, but I no longer resent her - or at least I try not to. The bills are tough to get paid, and dating is like trying to get a reservation at an upscale restaurant in LA or New York, but things could be worse for us. She makes me smile, laugh, cry, and definitely is keeping things interesting, but now, I wouldn't trade it for the world. She is my world, my life, and even though this story didn't magically make things easier for us, it put things in perspective for me.
A few months ago I attended a retreat called Vio de Christo: Notes of Grace. I was shown unconditional love and told how grace was there for me no matter what. Well, as we all should know by now, I'm anything but saintly, and a few dark secrets crept from the corners of my mind. Thoughts, feelings, things I would never share out loud, so for me to accept this Grace was a challenge. Finally I spoke to one of the Pastors there and I said the words I had felt for years: "I resent my daughter." Ouch! Of course I went on to explain, but even that Pastor had a look that caused me heartache. Please note I was not emotionless during this conversation - on the contrary I had spent days crying and crying as I struggled with my feelings. Saying it out loud stung even more than the passing thoughts. But I continued. In an earlier post I said how if I had a chance to do it all again, knowing where I would be today, I would change a lot. That although Kareena is unique and a great kid, completely adorable, I really HATE the life I've created. Add to that the thoughts I have that my financial problems, which lead to a lesser than desirable home and car, lack of freedom, and virtually no privacy, are all because of me having a kid and being a single mom. Oh, in reality I know that I could have these struggles in any situation, but it's so easy to say if that one little roadblock was gone it would be so easy. I could find a job anywhere that pays more, but being a parent means staying close to her father (per Tennessee state Code). Without being a mom, I could spontaneously go to dinner or drinks with friends, go out on a date, go away for a weekend...oh I could really "live."
So after confessing that I feel like the worse parent in the world, I was told that I was not, and that God's love and grace was still there for me. The pastor suggested I speak to my own Pastor and I did. Again, we discussed how challenging Kareena is and perhaps if she wasn't so "energetic" and "disobedient" I would be more relaxed as a single parent. I explained my fear of failure, of not doing it like my parents did. Comparing myself to my mother is one of my greatest flaws. She was amazing - she had a career, balanced that with being an amazing mother, and managed to keep her marriage on track for 25 years. Sure we had ups and downs, but there was so much love, attention, and "stuff" I was given as a child that I dreamed I would give my own. Of course the conversation like so many I have had focused on being the best ME and not my mother to Kareena. I felt good but not great.
Well, that brings me to my new outlook. I am more greatful for a challenging kid, one who steals food and candy, hides my makeup in her bedroom, redecorates my bathroom with lipstick and my walls with crayon, I love being able to chase her around malls, restaurants and church. A couple weeks ago a friend posted on facebook about a family that lost their chance at these moments. A van carrying a younger couple (he 40 her 35) and the wife's parents was rearended during a snowy drive in Michigan. The wife, Sara, was 9 months pregnant, due in just a few weeks. Sadly she died at the scene, but miraculously, the baby was born and a heartbeat was recovered. Little Miranda was on life support for 3 days. I joined a facebook group to pray for a miracle, but alas, her mother and God won the custody battle and the little angel flew to heaven. What amazed me more was the husband/father, Chad, and his strength and faith. Now if that wasn't enough to make me feel horrible for not liking my kid sometimes, I became engrossed in the story. I read the blog the couple started from when they discovered she was pregnant to his last blog on Valentine's day. I began to know this couple and my guilt festered. They tried for 16 months to have a child...my child was conceived from a careless, and probably drunken, evening with my live in boyfriend. They were together for 15 years. I was with my boyfriend for 9 months. They were thrilled to be having a child, documenting every moment in his blog, a proud father, and excited mother. I was scared to death and hesitant at my choices. Abortion was never an option for me, but I must say knowing the relationship I had with Kareena's dad made it difficult to be excited about our child.
Reading Chad's blog, I cried. I realized all his dreams of playing with his child, rocking her to sleep, midnight feedings, first steps and words, were dead. And here I was complaining about the very things he would give his arm for. I am still struggling with how to balance everything and make things "normal" for Kareena in our chaotic life, but I no longer resent her - or at least I try not to. The bills are tough to get paid, and dating is like trying to get a reservation at an upscale restaurant in LA or New York, but things could be worse for us. She makes me smile, laugh, cry, and definitely is keeping things interesting, but now, I wouldn't trade it for the world. She is my world, my life, and even though this story didn't magically make things easier for us, it put things in perspective for me.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
You ARE NOT A Single Parent
Ok, more complaining this time...
I have many friends who are either stay at home moms or working moms, but the one thing they have in common is that they are MARRIED. So it really irritates me when I hear or read about anyone comparing themselves to a single mom. As much as I appreciate the empathy and the praise I get, please, please don't ever say "I now know how single moms feel." Because truth be told, you don't anymore than me staying home one day with my kid would let me say "I now know how stay at home moms feel."
Yes taking care of children on your own for more than an 8 hour day is tough, but that is not the only thing that makes a single parent unique. So before you compare yourself to a single mom please consider the following questions when your spouse is away do you:
1. Worry about how the bills will get paid?
2. Have to decide if you will go to work and leave a sick kid at daycare or stay home and not get paid?
3. Plan babysitters three months in advance for church meetings and a possible date or night out with the girls?
4. Decide if you will buy groceries, get gas or pay the electric bill?
5. Resent your situation to the point of hoping it was all a nightmare and you will wake up single and childless until you meet a successful man, get married, save money and then CHOOSE to have a kid?
6. Cry yourself to sleep overwhelmed at your situation?
7. Curse the father of your children for only seeing them 16 hours a month and not supporting them financially, emotionally or spiritually?
8. Find yourself hoping for just one good guy to be Mr. Right so you aren't raising a child alone anymore?
These are just a taste of the things that run through the mind of a single mom, so as much as I feel ya' on the trying to juggle a kid or two for a few days while your husband (or wife) is on a business trip bringing money home to the household please forgive me for not feeling sorry for you, and please understand my desire for you to not compare yourself to me or any other single parent. Just remember when you are married, and especially if you are a stay at home, as stressful as crying, whining and possibly sick kids are, you're life mate is coming home, he or she is making money so you can buy groceries, drive your car and enjoy the computer you type your status on. Single parents don't have that comfort and luxury.
Thanks.
I have many friends who are either stay at home moms or working moms, but the one thing they have in common is that they are MARRIED. So it really irritates me when I hear or read about anyone comparing themselves to a single mom. As much as I appreciate the empathy and the praise I get, please, please don't ever say "I now know how single moms feel." Because truth be told, you don't anymore than me staying home one day with my kid would let me say "I now know how stay at home moms feel."
Yes taking care of children on your own for more than an 8 hour day is tough, but that is not the only thing that makes a single parent unique. So before you compare yourself to a single mom please consider the following questions when your spouse is away do you:
1. Worry about how the bills will get paid?
2. Have to decide if you will go to work and leave a sick kid at daycare or stay home and not get paid?
3. Plan babysitters three months in advance for church meetings and a possible date or night out with the girls?
4. Decide if you will buy groceries, get gas or pay the electric bill?
5. Resent your situation to the point of hoping it was all a nightmare and you will wake up single and childless until you meet a successful man, get married, save money and then CHOOSE to have a kid?
6. Cry yourself to sleep overwhelmed at your situation?
7. Curse the father of your children for only seeing them 16 hours a month and not supporting them financially, emotionally or spiritually?
8. Find yourself hoping for just one good guy to be Mr. Right so you aren't raising a child alone anymore?
These are just a taste of the things that run through the mind of a single mom, so as much as I feel ya' on the trying to juggle a kid or two for a few days while your husband (or wife) is on a business trip bringing money home to the household please forgive me for not feeling sorry for you, and please understand my desire for you to not compare yourself to me or any other single parent. Just remember when you are married, and especially if you are a stay at home, as stressful as crying, whining and possibly sick kids are, you're life mate is coming home, he or she is making money so you can buy groceries, drive your car and enjoy the computer you type your status on. Single parents don't have that comfort and luxury.
Thanks.
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